//TW: Suicidal thoughts, Depressing thoughts, breakdowns/panic attacks, derealization, Eating Disorder, insomnia, Talking about not wanting to take medication
//Tommy's POV:
Lately I haven't been able to sleep. But also it's so hard to get out of bed. I only leave my room if I have to nowadays. Mental illness can be a b*tch. Doesn't help that I haven't been taking any of my meds. (TAKE YOUR MEDS PLS)
It's coming up to the month mark of me being here. And no matter how much I want to stay, I can't have false hope. I know that in the end I'm just going to end up back in the home.
It's around 2pm when I hear a knock at the door. It's not Wilbur because he has band practice and Techno has boxing practice.
"Come in!" I say as loud as I can, which isn't very loud considering my voice is groggy from not talking all day.
The door opens and Ranboo walks in with Tubbo following. When did they get here? I didn't hear the front door open.
"Hey boss man, how are you feeling?" Tubbo asks while falling into my desk chair. Ranboo comes over and sits next to me on my bed.
"Yeah, we're getting worried, you've been distant lately,"
Have I? I guess I've only been talking to them through text lately. I just haven't had the motivation to leave the house. I haven't been out since I went to the park with Wilbur and Techno.
"Yeah, just a bit tired is all," I mumble into my pillow. I know for a fact that neither of them believe that, but they don't push it. Yet.
"Have you been taking your meds?" Tubbo breaks the silence.
"Uhm, yes?" I respond, more asking then answering. Both of them sigh. Ranboo gets up and heads over to my nightstand. He grabs my pill bottles and pours the medication into his hand. He grabs my glass of water and hands everything to me.
"Cmon, you have to take them Tommy. It's important," He states.
I groan but comply. Honestly most of the time I just forget, but sometimes I just can't bring myself to take them. It makes me feel weak that I have to depend on medication. It sucks, it really does. Why can't I just have a normal brain?
"You also gotta get out of bed sometime Toms. Wil said you've barely left your room. What's going on?" Tubbo finally addresses. I knew I couldn't get past these two.
I don't really know what to say. I don't even know how I feel. It's like I'm feeling everything but nothing at the same time and it's driving me insane. I just want to feel alive and real. And I've been spending hours at a time just sitting on my bed trying to sort through my thoughts and analyze my situation. Because I have never felt this loved and comfortable with a foster family before. But at the same time I have never been so confused and scared. I don't know what I'm scared of. They have proved time and time again that they wouldn't hurt me. So why do I feel like this?
I suppose it's because I know that when they turn their backs on me, it'll hurt like a b*tch. I don't think I will be able to recover if they hurt me. So with that I decide to just let it all out.
"I'm so scared and confused. I just, I'm not used to a family really caring I guess. I'm already so attached to this family and I'm scared for the day where they finally realize that I'm not worthy of their time. When they finally realize that I'm just an annoying screw up. And also my mental health has been going downhill and it really f*cking sucks. I wanna be able to feel again, I just want to be able to enjoy life, you know? I want to be able to feel the rain on my skin and be content, I want to be able to hang out with my friends without worrying that it will be the last time I see them, I want to be able to appreciate the air in my lungs, I want to look at the sunset and feel alive. I just want to feel alive! That's all i want... I hate how living isn't anything but an obstacle now! I hate that I cant get out of bed but at the same time can't sleep till 7 am every day, I hate that eating is so difficult, I hate that I feel like everyone hates me, I hate that I can't let myself be loved, I hate that I have to wake up every single morning and make the decision to stay, and I hate that the decision is so f*cking difficult! I just want to feel real, and alive, and happy...Why don't I get to be happy? What did I do to deserve this?" I rant, collapsing into Ranboo's arms while sobbing.
He rubs my back soothingly, "Oh Tommy, I'm so so sorry. You didn't do anything wrong, you don't deserve any of this. I know how hard it can be, but I promise that it's gonna get easier, okay? And we will be by your side through all of it. You are right here, your alive, your real. You are an amazing person who is so worthy of love. You deserve to be happy and safe Tommy. More than anyone. And I can see it in the way this family looks at you that they feel the same way. You may not realize it, but they care about you so much,"
Tubbo nods in agreement, "You know Wilbur is so worried about you, and Phil is too. They want the best for you Tommy, and we do too. I can assure you that they won't hurt you. They love you Tommy, they really do. I think this is your forever home, and everyone else agrees."
"I really hope your right," I sniffle after calming down.
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Later... (said in the spongebob voice thingy, like the- YOU KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT)
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Ranboo and Tubbo stay for a couple more hours before each are called home. Phil shouts that he is going to watch a movie, and for us to join if we want. I decide to leave my room for once and head downstairs. Everyone is sitting on the couch quietly, and when they see me enter the room, they all looked shocked. Phil and Wilbur both give me big smiles, and even The Blade himself gives a small smile.
Wilbur pats the spot next to him. I take a seat and grab the bowl of popcorn from his hands.
"Glad you decided to join us mate," Phil says in a soft voice. I smile at him.
"So boys, what are we watching?" I ask energetically.
"Hm, I was thinking we watch like, A Disney movie, how about Moana?" Phil suggests. I've never heard of the movie, but I decide to give it a try. Everyone agrees to watch the movie.
The movie was about some girl who liked the Ocean or some sh*t, I don't know I wasn't paying much attention. There was also this other dude who she met and he seemed kinda like an a**hole honestly. Again I wasn't paying much attention, I was incredibly tired. The soundtrack seemed good though.
"That dude had such a big ego, like a bigger ego than Techno!" I hear Wilbur complain.
"What the f*ck are you talking about! Your the one with an ego here!" Techno argues.
"Will you both please shut up your giving me a headache," Phil sighs.
I just hum in agreement to what Phil had said. I'm trying so hard to keep my eyes open and they are being loud. I feel Wilbur tap my shoulder.
"Hey Tommy, why don't you head to sleep, yeah? You look sleepy,"
I grumble in reply. Techno walks over and looks at me. I look up at him in curiosity. He then proceeds to pick me up and throw me over his shoulder. I yelp and try to hit his back but it's no use. I sigh and just let it happen. He walks up the stairs and to my bedroom. He throws me onto the bed, before tucking me in and ruffling my hair.
"That was quite rude, innit?" I complain.
"Tommy, why are you are so British?" He chuckles.
"Oh my f*cking- YOU F*CKING AMERICAN! WHAT THE F*CK YOU AND YOUR F*CKING THOMAS THE TRAIN AND SH*T, F*CK YOU F*CK YOU F*CK YOU!" I immediately get defensive. He just laughs at my antics and the ruffles my hair once again with a goodnight.
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⚠️IMPORTANT⚠️
Word count: 1474
Hello everyone! How are we doing today? I'm back! So the important announcement is that I've actually changed up the plot, and so the TW's for the whole story have also changed! So PLEASE make sure to go back to the first chapter to read all of the TW's for the story, just so you know what to expect. I again, would hate if anyone were to get triggered. Please be careful! Also I'm gonna take down the Author's note now that this is out! I've decided to upload every other day for the most part, and at least twice a week! Anyways I hope that everyone is doing well! Make sure you hydrate, eat, take your meds, and make sure to just in general take care of yourself! Take some time for yourself for a bit every day! Self care is so so important! Remember that you are cared for and so loved! Also, WE ARE GETTING CLOSE TO 1K VIEWS! THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR THE SUPPORT!
I hope you have an amazing day/night Love! 💕
PEACE ✌🏻
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The Boy made of Light. (Sometimes it hurts to be a flame)
FanfictionTommy is in the foster system. No one has kept him for more than a month. He thinks it's because he is the problem. But Phil wants to show him that it's just that not everyone is able to handle such a beautiful and wild Flame.
