Seven storeys, 110 steps...wasn't much in numbers but, was enough for me, my petty purpose. The first time I climbed up to this half built building without an elevator was to watch the sunset with a set of people they call friends.
'Why did I agree to come', I asked myself repeatedly as I crawled up these steps on twos and fours, panting and gasping for air like a mad dog- "all this effort is useless, watching sunset? Stupid"- I thought.
But as I reached the rooftop, I realized why they wanted to come here so badly. I realized that I was the stupid one. If someone asked me to give them a quick visual representation for the word "Beautiful", I'd have dragged their asses up here and shoved this very scenery in their eyes.
Yeah, it was this rooftop, those buildings dark and lit, the sun that was retiring in to its bed in the horizon, the cloud veils in hues of red, pink, orange, purple- you name it. They were all magnificent beyond words but was somehow, saddening to me. I was the odd bird, I couldn't enjoy it.
My thoughts were elsewhere, busily analyzing certain risks and calculating unspeakable damages. While others were cheerfully snapping pictures of this and that, I cheered alone in the thought; "so there's a door here. Perfect".
It really wasn't much when counted, but people on the ground still looked tiny as ants. That was indeed, enough.
I habitually looked at my watch that read 6:19PM reminding me that people were done for the day. Not a soul was in this area, this building. Even the guard left, I saw.
There was no one to tease me for the creaks the roof made under my weight anymore, I leisurely climbed on to the roof and made myself comfortable on the short wall. The wind brushed my face harshly but not as much to hurt. It was warm and cold at the same time, just like my feelings that weren't worth two cents. I sighed opening my beer can and slowly sipped the bitter deliciousness- if only this was vodka- the sweet stuff, I'd have been happy for a moment.
"Pathetic"
I muttered myself the one word which described my whole existence. I had shelter over head and food in stomach, but also had sleepless nights, zeros for marks, wounds on skin, daggers in the heart, plagues for thoughts- what was that called except pathetic?
A pathetic, disgusting, loser.
Suddenly the memories started flooding my head, brutally interrupting the rare silence in my mind.
I did not want this. I didn't want to remember, not any longer. I had enough of remembering. I was tired from carrying an invisible weight that could crush all of my bones to dust any damned moment.
It probably didn't show in my face, but it was really too heavy, even for my big frame.
It was time to keep all that weight and suffering aside.
I pulled my hair and pushed back the useless memories that were soon gonna vanish along with me. After gulping another mouthful of beer, I let out a crooked smile for flying crows to see and hopped off the roof to reach the elevator space.
One commoner might ask 'why the elevator?', and my answer would be, 'cause this elevator leads to hell; where I'm going,'.
Besides, imagine the stories the future generations would enjoy while riding the iron cage. Might as well make some history on the way out, as I'm twisted like that. - but oh, they wouldn't ever know my reasoning.
The empty square space smelled like dust- of course because cement never smelled like flowers or cologne. The hole was half covered with a wooden plane put across it. Maybe some genius did the same math I did and figured out some blind ass would accidentally trip over and find himself having dinner with the devil.
I knelt down and pulled the plane aside. My eyes blankly stared down at the seemingly endless depth. On those receding storeys I searched for the young boy I was; the optimistic one, I searched for the good times, searched for where it went wrong, searched for a hope, for a chance. I searched for myself, a thread of happiness...but I saw no trace of them. All I saw was darkness.
Just one step forward could've ended my insignificant side role on others' stories,
But,
my phone had to vibrate.
Mom.
Mom, don't ask me where I am.
"Where are you now?"
Don't ask what I'm doing.
"You're late, what are you still doing there?"
It hurt. I wasn't numb! I wanted to tell myself I was, but I wasn't. It hurt so fucking hard, who was I trying to fool? I clenched my jaw to stop myself from shouting. My head was about to burst, the world spun and my lungs screamed. The beer can on my hand crushed under the pressure of my grip and spilled to match the saline in my eyes.
Mom,
Please don't ask me to come home...
"Come home soon!"
- Cause I can't... say no to you.
I dropped the crushed beer can and kicked it down the hole.
It fell, hitting on all the storeys, making echoes too loud for a mere beer can in the huge building.
I watched it fall freely, nothing was binding it, nothing was holding it any more.
It was flying to freedom.
It fell and fell and fell... until it didn't.
"I'm on my way mom"
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14th, July 2021
