What Happened To Me

12: Terrible Success.

Perhaps the most troubling symptom, at least when it comes to figuring out how I want to run my life, is the fear of success.

I know it sounds crazy, but I fear success almost just as much as I fear failure. And with every year older I get, I notice this problem even more.

Recently, it’s caused me to procrastinate getting things in order so that I can apply at a university to pursue a career as a counselor, and has even made me consider giving up the idea altogether. I’ve even lost interest in it at this point, though I’m sure that will return the moment I get a taste of it again.

In the past few weeks, it has gotten to the point where even the thing I’m obsessed with: plants: has become a source of stress. And while I’ve been preparing to build an insulated greenhouse for winter, as I have utterly outgrown the house windowsills and have no other choice (unless I downsized, which is counter-productive to my hopes to make it a business), I have found myself actually considering giving that up too because it’s beginning to trigger me.

Whenever my dreams are nearly within reach, it’s as though I suddenly fear being overwhelmed by them, and so I pull away and give up. I know I cannot allow myself to do this, because if I do, then I can never dream.

And so I have to find a way past the fear, past the anxiety. I know I feel this way because anxiety and excitement are so similar, that I can no longer tell them apart. They are the same thing to me: bad feelings.

I’ve read that the way to solve it is focus on the difference, but that doesn’t seem to help so far… I can only assume there is something I’m not realizing, something within my thinking that needs to shift. If I don’t find a way to change this, I will do nothing with my life, and everything will slowly become a fear.

I’ve spent too long breaking free of these chains, so somehow I have to break free again. Perhaps the answer is to force myself to do the next step, over and over until I achieve the very thing I fear.

Perhaps then I will see the difference between good stress and bad stress. Perhaps then, there will be a such thing as good stress, a kind of stress that gives life meaning and purpose rather than sickens and paralyzes.

In the story of the holy grail, the knights of the round table all gather to discuss how to find that which they seek. They have searched every place known to them, every place someone would go, except the woods.

The woods are often depicted as a place of danger and fear, a wild place, the great unknown. And in this story, that is no different.

But the knights, after much deliberation, decided that the only place they could go now, was the woods; the very place they feared to go. And so, they all decided to enter the woods in whichever place looked darkest to them, because this would be the place that perhaps no one had ever been.

In every story of knights, they are required to face something horrific in order to get to what they seek. Every treasure is guarded by a dragon.

This is my dragon. This is the thing in my way, the beast trying to stop me from reaching success.

I have faced many dragons in my life, many things keeping me from reaching the potential that God gave me. But I’ve always found a way, because God gave it to me, not the beast. It’s not even my own strength that got me through, not my own intelligence that found a way.

I’ve always found my way by seeking Him. I am no dragon slayer. He is.

In the past year, I’ve drifted a bit, lost touch. Now it seems as though He is a thousand miles away. I know from experience that He’s really just a few steps from me, but it seems that knowledge does me no good when it doesn’t reflect in the way I live.

So to deal with this dragon, I must first start reflecting the truth which I know. Live as though I can feel it, and believe as if I can see it.

Some may say that is me trying to earn my way. But I say I’m finding my way. Every relationship requires effort from both parties. Well, He’s been reaching out to me for a long time. I’ve just turned away so that I cannot see it as I one did.

So now it’s my turn to put in the effort.

I may be broken. I may fall, and I may be one of the worst examples of the things which I believe. I shouldn’t be a role-model to anyone. I shouldn’t be given the honor of helping anyone. But if that’s where He has put me, then you can be sure that that is what I will attempt to live up to.

I may fail every step of the way, but I can offer my heart and praise. It’s hardly a worthy offer, but it is all I have to offer, and He says it’s enough.

I’ve said for years, that if I am known for anything, I’d have it be that I turn the praise back to Him. So that’s what I’m going to do.