What Happened To Me

3: Silenced.

There are two big reasons why I haven’t told my story, things which I am still discovering over and over have continued to rule my life.

1: When my parents went to the school board and tried getting things dealt with, we were threatened. They said that if we spoke of the things going on in that classroom to anyone, they would take us to court. 

And I remember fearing even as a kid, that if that happened, we would lose the family business, and everything we had. Very few people win in court against such a large government corporation. 

Only in the past two years (6 years after the event) have I begun to speak about it.

2: When I started telling people about what was going on, nearly everyone close to me betrayed me.

-My pastor and family friend at the time; he had a job as a board trustee, someone who could do a lot, but he made only empty promises. I later learned that I wasn’t the only girl from our church who he turned his back on…

-My best friend at the time; she called me a liar, said I was looking for attention and that I was horrible for that because she was the one actually being bullied.

Her older siblings felt the same way about me, even blaming me for a time that she punched me in the stomach, telling my brother right in front of me that he needed to control me better (as in ‘keep me in line’). They all acted like something was wrong with me.

-The school principal; Said I was mentally ill, lying, making it all up, didn’t actually know what was going on in the room, and that I needed a psychiatrist. He told my parents to tell me that nothing I thought was happening was actually happening. To say “the teacher isn’t yelling” ect.

-My own parents nearly listened… They considered taking me to a psychiatrist. It was a family friend who convinced them not to.

That was when I stopped talking about what was happening, because I was too afraid of losing the very last people who believed me.

And now, I live in constant anxiety that something like this will happen again. Fear that people will think I’m lying or insane. Fear that those closest to me will turn on me, abandon me again.

I constantly analyze, and question every interaction with those I care about, worrying that maybe they don’t actually believe me or like me, and that maybe I’m actually that annoying person they put up with because they feel sorry for me.

I’m working on letting go of it, working to trust people again and stop needing to brace myself for betrayal. I realize that anyone who does turn on me doesn’t truly know me. But it takes a long time to break old habits, old chains…

Today, I have to admit this to someone close to me, and apologize for being so quick to doubt them. I realize now that that isn’t fair to other people either. Other people need to be believed in, just like me.

So, this was a bit of a rambling thought process, but there you are, just a little more of what happened to me, and some insight on the effects of betrayal.