What Happened To Me

8: The Day I Left.

I want to talk about my last day in that school, because this is something I had forgotten about, and now realize actually had a very big impact on me as well.

Eventually the situation got to the point where my parents gave up on the system and decided to pull me out and homeschool me. So one morning we went to the school very early, and quickly gathered my stuff from my desk and locker before too many people were there. 

I remember my friends asking where I was going, and I didn’t know how to answer them, so I just sort of stared while my parents led me away. 

That was the last time I spoke to them. When I left the building that day, I never talked or hung out with any of them again. They never even tried to contact me. I literally dropped off the face of the earth. I stopped existing and became a ghost.

I had one friend in my life, my neighbor who was also homeschooled. She had no idea what had happened, and during those dark days, she now admits she began to be afraid of me.

I talked to her a bit about it a while ago, and while she had had no idea what I’d been through, she said it was like I had become a whole different person. I was extremely serious and never happy anymore. Now, apparently, I am much more like my old self, but it took a long time…

I was severely depressed for three years after that, and had extreme anxiety every night while trying to go to sleep. 

My mom started letting me hang out with my friend and cousin practically every day. And I remember so clearly having her come to me and ask: ‘What will it take to make you happy again?’ 

I just hopelessly shrugged and said I didn’t know. Because I truly didn’t.

It was a long three years, and they only ended when God revealed Himself to me. That was when love finally broke through the walls around my heart. I still couldn’t accept love from people, but at least I could feel it from God. 

This was when I began to feel value again, and the joy that filled my heart has since been the first thing people ever notice about me. I’ve heard it over and over: ‘God has given you the gift of joy’, ‘the first thing I saw when I saw you was the joy in your eyes’...

This past week, I was thinking about my story, and all the horrible things that happened during my childhood. And I realized, that while I’ve been ashamed of myself for how long it’s been taking me to heal, and ashamed of how badly I broke in those days, I actually have nothing to be ashamed of.

I survived something horrific, and I did it alone. I was only nine years old, but I survived months of abuse, abandonment of all my friends, betrayal of the school system and my own pastor, being called and treated like a liar and/or mentally ill child, and C-PTSD as a result. And I did it alone.

And now, I am very independent, stubborn, determined, and joyful young lady. I have dreams and plans, success and money. But most of all, I have a relationship with the Creator of the universe. So my story is nothing to be ashamed of. I have risen from ashes and become a testimony to God’s power. 

“The waves of death overwhelmed me; floods of destruction swept over me. The grave wrapped its ropes around me; death laid a trap in my path. But in my distress I cried to my God for help. He heard me from His sanctuary; my cry reached His ears…

He reached down from heaven and rescued me; He drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemies, from my foes who were too strong for me. They attacked me in my day of darkness, but the Lord was my support.”

~2 Samuel 22:5-7, 17-19