What Happened To Me

9: A Question To The Child Within.

Today I asked the younger me a question: Why can I not play? Why do I feel so dumb, scared, and sad?

This is the response I got;

Dear older me,
How can I play, when the world is so malicious? How can I view the world in innocence again, when people want to hurt me? How can I take life lightly, when I'm surrounded by people who betray me?

A day at the beach sounds nice and fun, the sun shining brightly, friend walking beside you. In your bliss, you don't search for danger, you don't think of evil things that could happen. But what about when the friend you're with decides to shove you under the waves and strangle you?

How can I ever see games as fun, when the very people I play with don't really like me? When they don't believe me, or care to listen, why speak to them about things I love?

The niceness of the world is just a mask, a front people use to catch unsuspecting prey, to catch the innocent. But when you've seen the darkness, you cannot see only light ever again. Even if there truly was just light, you'll be looking for the darkness, because to you, not seeing it means you are already being tricked again.

The very people I played with, trusted, looked up to, were the same people who betrayed me. The whole time, I didn't really know them, but I sure let them know me. I gave them the very information they needed to hurt me the most, because I thought they were my friends.

Playing is something that brings people's guard down, causes them to reveal who they really are inside. I can never let my guard down again.

And now, I've become so clumsy with sports and games, I cannot hope to play without showing an insecurity; my lack of coordination. Worse, I hurt people because of my uncoordinated movements. And then I fear the anger I'll receive in response, or the mocking...

I can't play, especially with people who are important to me, because those are the very people who I don't want to lose, and the very people who have betrayed me...

I just want to be free... But how can I be, when I cannot be me?

----
Based on this, I can realize something much deeper about trauma and betrayal;

The fact that I was betrayed, tells me that I am not who I thought I was, because I thought people liked me. The fact that they betrayed me, tells me that they were not who I thought they were, because I never thought they could do something like that.

The fact that I didn't know who they really were, or who I really was, tells me that my judgement is not what I thought it was, because I trusted it when I shouldn't have.

I am left in a world where nothing can be trusted, because I was wrong about everything. And now, I cannot draw a new judgement of the world, because my own judgement cannot be trusted.

I can only conclude that everyone is going to betray and hurt me, and that I can never let my guard down again.

But that means being alone.

When I hang out with people, I feel like I know them pretty well, but they don't know me.

There's a glass wall between me and the world. So that I can see people having good relationships and feeling safe, but I cannot touch this world, I cannot be a part of it.

Instead I am forced to watch people enjoy these things, and I try to gain the same feelings they have simply by watching, because that's the best I can do.

Sometimes, while I watch people blissfully enjoying each other's presence, I wonder what it would be like to be that unaware of danger.

It's like a book I once read, where this character can see the demons and spiritual forces around us, but everyone else is normal and unaware of it. That's how I feel, like I'm watching a bunch of people going about their lives, completely unaware of the danger all around them.

It's one thing to have the danger coming from outside your circle, beyond your family and friends, beyond your church. But when the danger is from within, that's truly horrifying.

I dream of a day when this will go away, when I can just live and not be on guard all the time. When I will have someone I can let down my guard and be real with.

I thought I had finally found that person earlier this year, but I was wrong. I was again betrayed, the boy who said he wanted me, became interested in another. He cheated on me, just when I thought perhaps I would overcome my fears and beat the odds.

The demon of the past came back to haunt me, and I am again left believing that the only way to live life without betrayal, is to do it alone...