What Happened To Me

6: Letters From A Younger Me.

Today during my devotions, I realized that there truly is the child-me still hiding inside. I can feel it, the past me that is still trapped in what happened, crying out for help.

I feel this very often, particularly in moments when I feel like an annoyance or an inconvenience. I know it's a past wound because of the overly-emotional state I enter in those moments. It's a sort of emotional flashback I suppose, like a part of me trapped in the past still.

So I researched a bit online about the psychology behind it, hoping for a way to answer that cry for help, a way to free myself from it so I can stop 'hearing' the cries. 

That's when I found this thing called 'listening to the wounded child within' and realized that that's actually what the rapper NF does in his album 'The Search' (Kinda random, but it gave me an idea). So I decided to focus on those feelings more carefully, and try writing what my past self would've written in a journal.

So here goes...
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What would I have written down back then, if I had known I could? If I had dared to speak my thoughts, what words would leave my lips?

What is this insanity around me?! I'm trapped, there is no way out. I'm trapped in a cell surrounded by bullies and filled with enemies. 

I'm being thrown around the cell, tossed to the floor over and over. All around me are mockers, telling me this isn't real, I don't even know what is real.

I try to tell the truth, try to bring clarity back to the situation, but there's voices all around me, everyone saying different things. The only thing they agree on, is that there's something wrong with me. 

I'm waiting for rescue, crying out for help, but none will listen. The louder I shout, the more they mock me. I'm trapped, in a place where no one cares. 

I'm begging for rescue, but the more I reach out for help, the worst things get, the more they hate me and the more they mock. They think I'm insane now, they've stopped listening. 

'Just shut up already' they say... 'We all know you're lying, searching for attention, or insane.' No matter which belief they have, they all agree that I am wrong.

I've lost. There is no way out. All that's left for me to do is curl up and hide, hope they all forget about me and move on. Leave me in this cell to rot alone. It's better than being the center of their attention. 

Why wouldn't they believe me? Why would they think I'm insane? Is something wrong with me? Am I destined to never fit in, never be understood, never be loved, never be free?

I am not like anyone else. I am alone, and this cell is my home.

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It's a bit rough and short, but I expect I'll get better at it with more practice. For now though, I think this is a good start. It's a new way of processing the past and remembering it, and I do feel some sense of relief, so I know already that it works.

Feel free to try it if you like! There's no need for major trauma in order to reconnect with the child inside, it's healthy either way. Also I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on this, as I know some of you probably enjoy psychology. 

God bless!