Fools

51- Sam

Sam

The evening after mine and Noah's break up, I decided to text Noah. (I did try calling him, but he didn't answer. Go figure). I felt I would be able to talk to him without sobbing and pleading for him to stay, plus if Noah actually responded to my text and meets up with me, maybe I wouldn't have to plead.

Frickhead😌❤️
Today 4:21 PM

Hey

Hey? That was so stupid, Sam! He wasn't going to respond to that! Yet, I still waited for him to reply as I pathetically watched my phone. A minute later, text bubbles popped up and stayed there for a solid twenty seconds before disappearing. Come on, Noah, please!

Can we meet up
somewhere and talk??
You owe me that much.

The text bubbles popped up again. Fricken text me back! I know you're reading my messages!

Frickhead😌❤️: Where?

My heart fluttered and I tried not to smile.

The park?? By my house?

Frickhead😌❤️: Sure. When?

I glanced at the time: 4:26.

Wanna meet up at 5??

Frickhead😌❤️: okay.

I smiled feeling hopeful yet nervous. Also anxiously excited. But happy at the same time. Basically, a lot of emotions were running through me.

Quickly brushing my teeth, changing into my pink crewneck (Noah had told me once that the pink one was his favorite), but it was January in Illinois, so I added my thick jean jacket and a beanie that matched my sweater. I used Haven's lotion perfume. Haven and I haven't spoken since last night, but I wasn't ready to forgive her. Maybe tomorrow, was my thought.

I got to the park in my neighborhood around four-forty. Luckily no one was there, so I took a seat on the stairs that led up to the red slide.
This would be good. Noah would tell me he was just angry and made a mistake. We'd forget any of that ever happened and we'd be together again.

Five minutes later, Noah arrived. "You're early," he commented, walking up to me. He wore a black Nike hoodie under a heavy, flannel coat. Yet, he was still wearing ripped jeans considering the 10 degree weather.

"So are you," I replied.

"Touché," he chuckled as he sat next to me, but kept his distance. "It's freezing, can we talk in your car?" He asked then explained that, "my heat is broken."

"Sure," I agreed because it was freezing and being in a closed space with tinted windows with Noah? Both of us trying to get warm? I had to bite my bottom lip to keep me from smiling as he followed me to Patricia which was parked next to a curb. But when we sat in my car with my heat cranked, we sat in silence. An awkwardly uncomfortable and horrible silence.

And how Noah broke the silence was worse than the silence itself. "How are you?" He asked and finally looked at me for the first time since we got in my car.

God, I wanted to throw up from that sentence. How am I? That was how he wanted to start off our conversation? "Well, saying 'I'm good' would be a lie, so..."

"I'm sorry," Noah said. "The way we ended things-"

"You ended things," I corrected him. I was trying to fix things between us, not end things.

"The way I ended things was really shitty. You didn't deserve that. So... I'm sorry, Sam," and he truly did look regretful.

"Okay," I nodded. "Thank you for saying that. I'm willing to forget this and we can get back together."

Noah sighed, "I know that I was in a bad mood when I broke up with you, but I was serious about breaking up." My heart clenched and my eyes burned with the need to cry. Noah grabbed my hands. I looked into his eyes, they looked just as pained and worn out as mine. Had he been crying? Had this break up affected him like it affected me? Is his heart shattered like mine?

A few tears involuntarily slipped down my cheek, but I quickly wiped them away before putting my hands back in his.

"Sam, you deserve so much better. Someone who you won't have to worry about. Someone who's family adores and accepts you. Someone who isn't as fucked up as me," I slipped my hand out of his grasp, confused on where he's going with this. "I wish I could make you happy-"

"Are you an idiot?" I asked getting mad. "I was happy with you!"

"You'd be better off without me." I shook my head, not accepting what he's telling me. I thought this talk would bring us back together, not further apart. "That being said..." Noah continued, taking a deep breath, "I think we should stop seeing and talking to each other."

I scoffed and wiped my eyes as my tears released. "So we're gonna ignore each other?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.

"I'm not saying that. Just for now I feel like it'll be better to keep our distance," he spoke calmly which honestly made me more frustrated. I actually wanted Noah to get angry and fight with me. I wanted to fight for him.

"How long is 'for now' gonna last?"

"I don't know, but I think it'll be easier that way to get over-" Noah stopped himself, but I knew what he was going to say.

"Get over me?" I looked away so he wouldn't catch me crying. I hastily wiped my eyes again. "I can't believe you just said that."

"Sam, please don't make this harder than it already is," his begging tone pissing me off more.

I looked back at him in dismay. "I'm sorry that I'm making this harder for you, but when someone I love tells me we should stop talking to each other so they can 'get over' me, I get upset!" I yelled, my breathing was heavy. I wanted to crawl up into a ball and die.

"That came out wrong. I meant that I need time to figure myself out."

"And you can't do that with me around?" Noah opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off, "I don't get it; do you... not love me anymore?" I wasn't sure I wanted to hear that answer.

"Of course I love you, Sam. I always will. But for now-"

"Stop saying 'for now!' Fuck!"

Noah sighed and dragged his hands down his face as if he was exhausted before looking back at me. "I don't know what to do, Sam!" Good. Yell. I wanted him yell with me. "Besides Nate, my dad is the only family I have! It was my fault that my mom left, and I don't want it to be my fault for my dad leaving-"

My heart sank for him, and everything made sense; Noah thought he deserved the beatings because he believed it was his fault for his mother's absence. I wanted nothing more in that moment than to wrap my arms around him and hug him tightly.

"Noah, your mom leaving was not your fault." He looked away and didn't respond. I knew he didn't believe me. "I don't know if you think you deserve getting abused like it's your punishment for making your mom leave, but you don't. You don't deserve to get abused, Noah. Her leaving was her crappy choice."

Noah sniffed and unlocked the car door, "I should go."

"So that's it? We're just done?"

"Sam-"

"Fine," I cut him off. "If you need space to figure yourself out, I'll give you space." If that was what he needed to realize he was better with me, then I'd give him that time. And in a week or two, we'd be back together and everything would be right between us again.

It would all work out.

**

Rough shit🤧

Thank you for reading! Chapter 52 out tonight or tomorrow idk lol...

-Xoxo, Bert