one time | hood

tonight

Tonight we're doing it, Jay. We're going to dedicate a song to you and you're probably going to hate me, we'd always talked about how being serenaded sounded absolutely terrifying. You wouldn't really be there though, I guess.

It was going to be the last song of the night, these last few weeks of concerts have all been somewhat of a blur to me, Jay. One running into another, one slow song here, one upbeat song there. It wasn't exactly rocket science. I'd finally trained myself to zone out whenever we were onstage. We'd sing the songs and I'd focus on the screaming girls or the bass in my hands and I'd play until it was over and then I'd leave the stage and go to sit in my lonely hotel room. It wasn't exactly bliss but I was managing.

We were going to sing Paradise, the one by Coldplay that we'd first made out to. It was Ashton's idea, the boys had been wanting to dedicate a song to you for weeks but I'd never really wanted to. I guess I'd finally given in.

"It's going to be great Cal, you'll see." Luke said, a small smile being sent my way as I tried to remain positive and nodded in reply.

It was all set up, the sound guys were ready, the boys had sorted it with the show production people that this huge photo of you was going to appear on the backing screen behind us. It was one of you and me at that music festival that we went to, I look like absolute shit but you look great, Jay, you'd always liked that photo.

I'd written a speech, this little not-so-impressive thing that was about half a page but it was something. It'd been Michael's idea, he'd wanted me to finally say the things that I'd always been wanting to say. I guess he could tell that I'd been holding a lot in these last couple of months.

"Show time, boys." Ashton smiled before slapping Luke on the back and handing me my bass guitar as I fumbled to get the strap over my shoulders.

"It's going to be brilliant Cal." Michael smiled, his hand resting on my shoulder as he pulled me in for one last hug before one of the roadies told us to get our asses out on the stage.

"She'll fucking love it."

///

It was time. The last final chords of What I Like About You were ringing out through the arena as Luke met my gaze and nodded. The screams died down a bit as some of the girls realised that we were all standing silently onstage before Luke spoke.

"Three months ago a very close friend of ours, Jay Cartwright, was killed in a fatal car accident that didn't only effect her but affected lots of people individually, we would like to wish anyone else that was also involved in the crash our love and support. Her boyfriend, now fiancé, Calum-" he said meeting my eyes and smiling before carrying on "loved her dearly. He loved her more than I've ever seen someone love a person before. She was one of my best friends, like a sister to me and the rest of this band."

He abruptly stopped, his hand gripping tightly onto the mic stand before he turned around and motioned towards the giant screen behind us. And that's when I saw it. You. Your bright smile lighting up the entire arena in that photograph that you loved so much. I was with you, my arm slung loosely around your shoulders, my smile too big and my hair greasy but I looked happy. I can't remember the last time I'd ever felt that happy, Jay.

"Jaydyn truly was a beautiful person, she took the world one step at a time, she saw the perks in everything. She just seemed to make life easy." Ashton spoke, standing from the drum set and coming to stand at the front of the stage with the rest of us.

"I believe Calum has a few things that he'd like to say." he said, nodding and smiling at me as I took the bass from my shoulders and laid it on the ground at my feet. The piece of paper was in my hand, being unfolded as I sighed and looked down at the words in front of me.

I couldn't read it- not like that, the words were right there in front of me clear as day, I physically couldn't read it. My mouth was dry and my voice had somehow escaped from my throat leaving me silent. My lips parted, no words came out, I swallowed, my throat stayed dry.

"You okay?" Luke whispered, his hand finding its way to my shoulder as I shook my head, eyes flicking from the picture of you to the paper to the large crowd in front of me.

"It's alright, it's okay Cal. Do you want me to-?" he questioned before I pushed the paper into his hands and gave him the warmest smile that I could manage. He brought the mic to his lips, speaking the words that were written there as I stood there still and blank.

"Jaydyn Cartwright, what do I think of when I hear that name?" He started, swallowing loudly before biting his lip and carrying on. "I think of the time that we went to a Coldplay concert with Ashton, I think of the time we moved in together, I think of the time we went to that shitty little music festival in Melbourne and we listened to George Ezra while I laid on the grass with my head in your lap. I think of the weird alternative music that you used to listen to. I think of that time that I tried to teach you guitar and you got all impatient and pissed off and gave up within an hour." he was smiling, eyes welling up a bit but a laugh escaped from his lips and I cracked a smile as well.

"Even when we perform I imagine that you're still standing backstage, Jay, I still send you texts all the time even though I know you won't reply. You were here, now you're there and I don't exactly know where there is but I hope you're okay. I hope you're doing well and that you know how much I love you. I hope you still hate Starbucks and I hope you're still brilliant at writing stories. I know you're still the same, you always will be." Ashton places an arm around Luke's shoulders as the blonde boy wipes his eyes with the back of his shirt sleeve and smiles at me once more. I see Michael disappear behind the screen for a few minutes to talk to one of the sound guys before he comes back and wraps an arm around my shoulder.

"I remember once when there was a power cut, you're terrified of the dark, Jay, you know that. And we were laying on the mattress in the middle of the living room and we were giggling about something, God knows what. But we'd be sitting there and it would be so dark I wouldn't be able to see your face and I just kind of knew that you'd be smiling. And you were so happy. I hope you're still happy Jay."

Luke folds the piece of paper back up before walking over to me and placing it back in my hands. Before I can comprehend anything his arms are around me and he's crying gently into my neck and that lump starts to form in my throat.

"I can't- I can't sing the song, I won't be able to." I manage to mumble out and Michael nods, his eyes meeting mine.

"It's okay Cal, you don't have too. They're going to play the track, it's alright."

The opening chords started and I broke down, the sobs escaping from my throat as I gripped onto Ashton's shoulders for dear life, willing my legs not to let me fall to the ground.

I had to accept it one day Jay, I had to let you go. The last three months had been sad and horrible but I'd always just kind of missed you. Missed you like I missed you while I was away on tour. In that moment, it had finally sunken in that you were gone.

"When she was just a girl, she expected the world. But it flew away from her reach-"

Seconds later Michael was helping me walk off the stage and Ashton was thanking the crowd, Luke had disappeared somewhere and the song was still playing in the background.

My paradise was fucking over, Jay.