one time | hood

later

We're back at the hotel now, Jay, everyone kind of dispersed and now I'm sitting on the roof hoping that nobody comes up here. Though I know that if the boys tried to find me this would probably be the first place that they would look. Here or the bar down by the hotel lobby.

I'm thinking, Jay, about tonight and about the nights before this and about the nights before you were gone. There are so many things that I remember now that everything's kind of just moulded together in this string of events that happened. Meeting you, kissing you, fighting with you, making up, listening to music with you, watching movies with you, sleeping next to you. Everything revolves around you Jay. Why the fuck would I let myself get so attached?

I know it sounds terrible.

I never wanted to be upset with anyone. Not even myself before you came along. I slept with girls in one city and when we moved that was the end of that. Then I met you and I wanted to know you and be there and all that other cheesy shit that I had initially never wanted to take part in, it all just came crashing together and I realised everything at once and it was like my head was telling me "This is it Calum, don't fuck this up. God knows how meaningless your life is right now. Here's some fucking meaning."

I hated it at first. I wanted to be the old Calum, the old carefree Calum that wasn't attached to anyone or anything and then you had to fucking come along, Jaydyn. I watched you and the way that other guys would look at you and I cared and I started to feel jealousy, an emotion that I was incredibly unfamiliar with.

And I didn't like it. I tried to forget you, Jay, as awful as it sounds. We went to San Francisco a couple of months after we met for promotional stuff and I got drunk and got with this girl and afterwards I was filled with this guilt and the alcohol didn't make me loosen up, it just made me feel tense and the only thing that kept running through my drunk head was you. And I had to come to accept the fact that I finally cared about something. And that something was you.

"Cal, what the hell are you doing?" I turn to see a wide eyed Luke and he's looking at the way that I'm sitting on the ledge. My feet dangling above the cars driving by below and I let go a dry laugh because I already know what he's thinking.

"I'm not going to fucking jump, Luke, don't worry." His expression softened a little and he came to stand by my side, sighing quietly before giving in and sitting down next to me, his feel dangling down next to mine.

"You okay?"

"No."

"Oh."

I'd gotten tired of telling people that I was okay. Because I wasn't. And if they really, genuinely cared than I should just give up the happy-go-lucky act and tell them the goddamn truth, right?

"What's on your mind?" He asked and I felt his eyes on me, his thumbs twiddling nervously in his lap as if he was scared that if he said the wrong thing, I'd push myself right off this ledge.

"I'm not suicidal Luke, it's okay." I managed and he laughed a little under his breath, making a smirk cross my face.

"There's a lot of things on my mind." I murmured and he cocked his head to the side stealing a glance at the violent drop below us.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Okay."

The air was silent for a while, the only sounds being the cars below. I stared blankly at the billboard for Coldplay's new album plastered on the side of the building in front of me. How ironic. Stupid fucking Coldplay.

"Thanks for reading that thing for me tonight by the way." I managed a smile and he sent one back, pushing his hair back with his right hand before drumming against his knee gently with his fore finger.