Weight of the World-p.r.s

33-i can't deny it's getting worse, it's a blessing and a curse

She really should've seen this coming. Brooke knew her mental state was not stable enough to cut someone like Jayden, a person who had a large positive impact on her life, out of her life. He was stubborn, which was a good thing, and he was still in her life despite everything. She knew trying was fundamentally useless, but she tried and failed miserably. Not that she minded that she failed, it was nice having someone like him in her life. It was nice to rely on someone, it was nice to be relied on.

A warm arm was wrapped around her torso, one of Jayden's hands buried in her hair. He didn't speak, he conveyed everything he needed to say through his actions. His actions stated things such as "you're safe" and "I'm here for you" as his hold was not tight enough to suffocate Brooke, but tight enough to show that it was genuine. He smelt like spice and smoke, his heart beating rhythmically that she deemed as calm. As safe.

His actions were safe even as her sobs caused her chest to heave and his grey overcoat was no doubtedly being stained with tears, which wasn't something new, Jayden still stood there. So, Brooke held onto him tightly, her tear-stained face buried into his shoulder as her body shook. She didn't know how long she cried for, but Jayden only moved when her breathing evened out and she stopped shaking. Even then, his hand only dropped from her hair to her upper back, and he moved his head and pressed a light kiss to her temple. The action almost made Brooke cry again, so she buried her face further into his shoulder to prevent herself from doing so.

"... Sorry," Brooke sniffled, her voice muffled by Jayden's overcoat. She grabbed a fistful of the grey fabric and held onto it like it was a lifeline, taking caution to make sure she didn't accidentally prick him with her fully bared claws. "I'm a wreck." She added, her voice wavering.

"No, you're not. Everyone has bad days." Jayden chided, his voice soft. He gently pried Brooke's face away from his shoulder, blue eyes scanning tear-streaked cheeks and watery gold eyes. He didn't say anything else, instead offered a small but reassuring smile as a replacement.

His fingertips brushed Brooke's tears away, who didn't necessarily agree with him but stopped herself from saying more. She knew it would be a waste of energy. Nevertheless, she knew she had to talk about her feelings, and specifically explain why she wanted to push Jayden out of her life and failed miserably in doing so. Her stomach churned at the thought, or maybe it was just the withdrawals, but Brooke swallowed down her bile and started to talk. She didn't process what she was saying, the words falling from her tongue as she thought of them.

So, she told him everything. Brooke found herself speaking about the actions that she shamed herself for, the times where she was at the lowest points in her life. She told Jayden about Alex, her problems with alcohol, every action that she regretted. It wasn't an easy process, she almost vomited on his shoes as she grew more and more nauseous; she also broke into a new mess of snot and tears. To admit, to both herself and Jayden, that she fucked herself up, that she made herself into the mess that she had become, was one of the hardest things she had done in a while. She never liked having emotional weaknesses, they were always harder to overcome compared to physical. She never liked admitting that she couldn't overcome her weaknesses as easily as she thought she should, she loathed the fact that she wasn't as brave or as strong as she let herself out to be.

Brooke remembered the last time she felt this small, and the memory made her sick to her stomach. It was one of the earliest memories she had after she shifted for the first time when she was thirteen. She recalled picking herself up off of the floor, almost choking on her tears, as her cheek stung and was hot to the touch. It was a time where she truly hated herself, but back then she could always blame it on James, that it was his fault, he made her hate herself. Now, however, it was all her.