Dirty Little Game ♠ Professor Lupin

Twenty five: All My Love

Remus Lupin was officially no longer a part of my life.

With him, I'd given up on a happier tomorrow.

I honestly didn't care what happened to me. I stopped worrying about Brook because she was simply nothing more than a fern under my boot. I finally spoke to Jaylee, telling her to leave me alone. I continued to hang out with Wilton and we got along as best as ever, probably because I wasn't held down by any moral dilemmas or problems.

Connor... Well, after a while I wrote to my parents about him. They expressed their amazement at my efforts to find common ground with them, but nothing else. They didn't even mention the boy.

I saw Samuel Grifford again, over a month after our first meeting. He didn't improve my opinion of him, but I just came to terms with what kind of man he was. When I listened to him with one ear and released what he was saying with the other, his company was bearable.

Day by day, three months have passed. I didn't even notice them. But, truth be told, I didn't even care. I would go to class, study, spend time in the evening with Wilton's group or with Connor, and repeat it the next day. It's not like I shut myself up, stopped eating and cried on every occasion. I was leading a normal life, being an exemplary student and spending time with friends, I just couldn't find the last bit of pleasure in it all.

My parents were delighted. The daughter they knew came back.

I completely didn't know who I was anymore.

It was warm enough for me to sneak out of the castle after dark. I tried many times, but due to the tightened restrictions after the Black incident in the Gryffindor tower, I failed. One evening I just didn't come back to the castle, hiding in one of the greenhouses. After dark, however, some of the plants were so unbearable that I escaped from there.

I went where no teacher could spot me - to the dense grove separating the school walls from Whomping Willow. I sat down on the damp grass and leaned against the tree so I could see the stars.

I wasn't afraid to be there, alone, in the dark. Sirius Black could have come from behind me and cut my throat, for all I cared.

You know what was troubling me? The fact that I lived for nothing. My life made no sense to me, no value whatsoever. I did what I had to do, day in and day out, and that was it. There was not a single thing that I enjoyed. Well, except maybe Connor, who was sometimes a glimmer in the overpowering darkness.

I went back to square one. I did what my parents wanted and I didn't even oppose it anymore. Hell, Grifford could propose to me and I would just say "okay" and shrug.

What was the point of that? I was practically a prisoner of my body. As soon as I leave this school, I will become a puppet with no say in the matter, who lives from day to day only to wake up the next day. Was I able to spend the next fifty years like this?

I heard soft steps. I spun around, automatically reaching for my wand but it wasn't Black. It wasn't even human. A dog stood a few yards away from me, as startled as I was. Hagrid will be setting up a shelter soon, how many more mutts will be walking around here?

I returned to my previous position. Surprisingly, the dog stepped closer as if curious about me. I waved my hand at him. I didn't feel like having company.

What happens now? If I do marry Grifford, I can say goodbye to anything that wasn't a housewife's job. I'll be his mascot, something sparkling to show off with. I will spend my days in our big house, alone, waiting longingly for him returning from work. I will have to be a devoted, loving wife who lives only for her husband. What an artificial life.