FUCK IT ⚠︎ skins, jc

fourteen

Everything has gone to complete and utter shit. Cooks been in jail for about a month now, Exams are coming up soon, Naomi cheated on Ems...
Like I said, shit.

-

EMILY:
haven't seen you
in a couple days,
you ok?

ME:
yeah, just
missing cook.

EMILY
don't worry,
he'll be back before
you know it

ME:
hopefully.
how are you
and Naoms?

EMILY:
not sure. idk what
to say to her right now

ME
ask why
she did it?

EMILY:
no use, she won't
speak to me

ME:
:(

-

I switched off my phone, threw it aside and reached for my pills. I took a few, and washed them down with a shot. All my days seemed to start like this, apart from the few days that I dragged myself into college. I lit a cig, smoked it until it was a small stub and then tossed it on my overflowing ashtray. I had no intention of emptying it. I didn't smoke cigarettes much before, but now I couldn't seem to stop.

I pulled myself up and walked to the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror. I didn't feel like me at all. I stared at the person looking back at me, and pulled my face in different directions. They did the same. Dark circles shaded the area underneath my eyes. I was like a shadow, not really me, just a spectator on my life. Shadows were all around now, waiting for the right moment to pounce. I closed the door, locking them out. I couldn't hide from them forever though. They would get me eventually. I opened the cabinet and rifled around to find some toothpaste, until my finger got caught on something, probably a razor blade.
"Fuck" I tutted.

Blood trickled down my finger. It didn't hurt much. It was nothing new anyway. The fresh scars up my arms will tell you that. I brushed my teeth, took a shower and walked back to my room, throwing on a hoodie and jeans as usual. A picture of Cook and I was propped up on my desk. I stared at it. He was a prick for leaving me. For leaving me with the shadows.

I tried to call Liv, but once again she didn't answer. Different times zones. She'll be fast asleep. I instead called Cook. I knew he couldn't answer, but listening to his voicemail brought me comfort at least.
'It's Cooks phone. Leave a message yeah? If you're lucky i'll get back to you'
I played it again and again, wishing the voice was coming from right next to me instead of inside my phone.

I paced the house for hours, mostly avoiding the kitchen since I couldn't bring myself to eat. I ended up in my moms room, sorting through her stuff. There was a box full of pictures of the family, and some old newspapers on her nightstand that she probably didn't finish reading. Her wall looked a little too plain. I thought i'd add a little colour.

I sat cross legged on the floor, snipping out pictures and articles from the newspapers. I reached up and stuck them on the wall, putting a picture of Cook in the middle. I grabbed a red marker, scribbling and circling certain things. I cut up the rest of the newspapers into little pieces, like confetti, and threw them over my head. They rained down on me, sticking to my hair and my eyelashes. I caught sight of myself in a mirror and started laughing hysterically, laying down the carpet. I rolled over, leaning on my elbows, and my face suddenly fell. The shadows were back again. I backed into the corner and shut my eyes.

My phone suddenly pinged after a while, forcing me to open my eyes. I checked it. It was Effy, inviting everyone to a party at hers. That's exactly what I needed. I got up and walked out of the house, my feet taking me straight to Effs.

I got there and the house was packed. Spliffs were being passed around, people were doing lines off the kitchen counter, a bottle of something somehow made its way into my hand. I chugged half of it, before doing a line myself. I wrinkled my nose, and went back in for more.
"Woahhh Kal slow down with that" Freddie laughed, while he danced in the corner with Effy.

I shook my head and did another one, before wiping my nose with the back of my hand. I fell back, taking deep breaths and feeling all the powder rush to my head. Suddenly all I wanted to do was dance. I got up and ran into the living room where everyone was, and moved to the beat of the music. I couldn't hear anything but the song. The next couple of hours were a blur, just me dancing, drinking, taking pills. I knew I was going too far, but I loved it. But suddenly the rush stopped. The house was still pounding with music but inside my head was silent. What if the shadows were back?

"Kal? Are you alright?" I heard Thomas ask. JJ seconded the question.
I shrugged them off and ran upstairs into Effys bedroom, locking the door behind me. I slipped into her wardrobe and closed the door in, leaving it open just a crack. I backed into the corner. They wouldn't get me here. I sat there for a while, letting a few tears stream down, until the house was silent.
Everyone had left.

I heard the door handle rattle, as if someone was trying to get in.
"Freds?" I weakly whispered.
"Can you open the door?"
I thought about it for a moment, before quickly unlocking the door and running back into the wardrobe. Freddie walked in after a few moments, and looked around until he noticed where I was. He crouched down in front of the wardrobe.

"Kal?"
"I got scared"
"Of what?"
"The silence.."
"What silence? I...Kal this isn't like you" He said, reaching for my hand. He pulled me out of the wardrobe, into his arms. I buried my head in his shoulder, closing my eyes tight.
"Freds? Is she alright?" I heard Effy ask.
"I don't know, she's acting all fucking crazy"
"Maybe she's just missing Cook" Effy suggested.
"Yeah, she has been for weeks but she was never this bad"
"Walk her home, sober her up"
"Yeah I will" Freddie replied, standing up and keeping hold of me.
"I'll stay here and clean up, this place is a fucking tip" Effy sighed, as we kicked through trash on the stairs.

Freddie walked me home and got me inside, sobering me up with glasses of water. I gulped them down. They somehow made me feel emptier than before. He tucked me into bed, then knelt at the side of me, holding my hand.
"You can leave if you want" I said.
I don't know why I said that. I didn't want to be alone. He nodded, kissed my forehead and silently walked out.

The house was eerily silent for hours, with the occasional noise of a car driving by, or people walking past. I was burnt out, but still couldn't get to sleep.
"Fucks sake" I whispered, and walked over to my window. I stared out, not seeing much in the dark. Until I saw something move, and heard something rustle. What the fuck? Was someone in my garden? I flinched as I noticed something else move. I couldn't let them get me.

I silently crept down the stairs, feeling along the walls in the dark. I had nothing to defend myself with, I didn't have a plan, but I couldn't let them get me. I got to the kitchen, and to the back door. It was unlocked. I looked out and didn't see anything, so I slowly turned the key to lock it. I backed away.

"You should really keep your door locked"
I heard someone say. I spun round and my fist caught them in the face.
"Fucking hell what that was that for?" They said.
I squinted at them. Cook?!
"Cook?"
"The one and only" He frowned, rubbing his face. "With a bruised cheek"
"Sorry I-"
He pulled me into his arms. It was nice feeling his touch again. It didn't seem real.
"Did you miss me?"
"Too much" I whispered, a tear rolling down my cheek.
He pulled away and wiped my tear with a single swipe of his thumb.
"But how...how are you out of prison Cook?" I frowned, my eyes darting between his.
"Don't worry about it" He smirked.

He brought my face close to his, and I couldn't help but kiss him over and over. He snaked his hands down my waist and unbuttoned my jeans, I stepped out of them and kicked them aside. He lifted me onto the countertop, and pulled my hoodie over my head.