Chasing Sunsets

20

Bella and I had been sitting in my car for the last 15 minutes.

There was no music playing, there was no talking. It was mostly silent, except for the small purr of the car engine. I could tell she was thinking the same thing that I was; we didn't want to go. Yet, we had to.  We didn't have a choice, but we simply didn't know how to exist without Isla. How could we drive past her house and not stop to pick her up?How could we go to Grady's and get our coffee but only order up two cups? How could we push through the doors and walk through the halls knowing that there was an empty space beside us?

I looked down at the clothes that I was wearing, a perfectly matched outfit that Bella had insisted I put on. It came along with her insistence of her doing my hair and my make up. If I had my choice, I would've gone to school exactly how I woke up this morning. I wouldn't care that I didn't look good. I didn't care about anything.

Bella said we had more chance of feeling like ourselves if we looked like ourselves. I don't think she believed that, I think she simply didn't know what else to do. Neither of us were equipped to deal with this. Neither of us ever thought we would have to. I think Bella was simply searching for anything she could do to try and control one single aspect of how this day would go.

I let out a sigh, finally putting my hands on the steering wheel. As I pulled my car out of my driveway, I deliberately turned the opposite direction from the way I would usually turn. Bella only looked at me for a split second with confusion, before her face turned into a look of understanding. I simply couldn't drive past Isla's house.

We didn't listen to music on the way there, as we usually do. I hesitated when we drove past Grady's, the addiction to their sweet caffeine calling out from my blood, but I didn't turn in. Frankly, I didn't know if I'd ever be able to drink there again. Because I knew, when I drank their coffee I'd remember the first time we tried it.

It was Isla's idea to go there, and Bella and I had protested. We wanted to get Starbucks, like we used to do every morning. Isla didn't want to tell us why she wanted to suddenly go to the small locally owned coffee shop, but we finally dragged it out of her in the end. She had a crush on the boy who worked the cash register.

Everything in my life related back to Isla, in one way or another. Even the simplest of things drew back a memory of her. And, although I cherished those memories, I almost wished they weren't attached to everything, because that meant everything was painful.

I heard Bella release a breath of air from her lungs as we turned into the school parking lot. In a way, it felt like it did when you return to school after a long summer break. A part of you had forgotten it's existence, and while you feel like everything about you is different, you're slightly shocked to see that it still stands exactly the way it stood when you left it.

"Maybe it won't be so bad," Bella hummed out, and I could tell she was trying to portray the small ounce of hope she felt in her tone.

"Maybe," I agreed, though I was lying. I knew it was going to be bad. I knew it was going to hurt.

Have you ever had to go to school after knowing there was a particularly damaging rumour that was being spread about you? You know what's going to happen as soon as you push through those doors. Everyone is going to be looking at you, and talking about you. It causes a pit of both anxiety and dread to form in your stomach, but there's nothing you can do to avoid walking through those halls.

That's how I felt, as we entered the school. I reached out and grabbed Bella's hand, holding it tightly in my own. The hall that was abuzz with conversation seemed to instantly quiet as we took our first steps into the buildings. I wanted to lower my head, I wanted to look down at the ground, but Bella's grip on my hand told me not to. I looked ahead of me instead, trying not to react to the way people were staring at us.