His Words (bxb)

chapter thirty

Sunday, 25 October, 2020

✧noah✧

I watch from a distance as Elijah approaches the scout from UBC and strikes up a conversation with her. I turn away when I see them shake hands and go their separate ways and focus on organising the heat sheets to return to Coach instead. 

I keep trying to tell myself that the things Elijah told me last night are true, but nothing feels real. I don't feel real, Elijah doesn't feel real, this meet doesn't feel real. I feel like this is a dream and nothing matters anyway because I am going to wake up and none of this will amount to anything. Sometimes, if I focus too hard on the way I'm breathing, that won't seem real either and going down that path usually leads to danger. Cutting didn't feel real. Not until the blade touched my skin, at least. I think that's why I did it - it was the only thing that felt real. 

Coach thanks me for my 'hard work' this weekend as I hand him the battered heat sheets and sends me off with the rest of the group towards the bus taking us to the hotel, then back home. I decide I'd rather wait for Elijah than sit in a bus with twenty people who don't want me there, so I take a seat next to his stuff and pull out my phone. I find myself opening the text conversation with my mom without even noticing and my heart races as I skim over the few texts we exchanged just days ago. I am reminded that I still have to tell Elijah about meeting up with my mom tomorrow. 

Elijah suddenly appears beside me as he casually folds up his towels and clothes and tucks them neatly into his backpack. "Ready to go, Noah?" he asks as he puts his backpack on. I nod, tuck my phone in my pocket and stand up to make my way to the buses with my boyfriend. As we walk side by side, Elijah puts his arm around my body and squeezes my shoulder. I turn my head to find him still staring ahead, as if nothing happened, but don't miss the slight smirk on his face and mischievous twinkle in his green eyes. 

I've noticed Lij being a little more physically affectionate after last night's... events. I don't know how to feel about it, though. I don't know if it feels nice or uncomfortable or if it makes me happy. All I know is that it doesn't feel like it's happening to my own body. I feel the warmth of his arm on my shoulder, but at the same time I don't. It's a weird experience. 

After everyone had collected their bags from their hotel rooms and was back in the bus, we began our trip back to Hilltown. Most of the trip was spent with my head on Lij's shoulder, watching whatever Netflix teen drama was playing on his phone. However, I wasn't focused on Eric Effiong's disgustingly orange track suit; I was thinking of how to tell Elijah about my mother. I already know how he's going to react - get concerned, ask me if it's something I genuinely want, assure me it's okay to say no, but eventually agree and tell me to do what I think is best. Once I spot a huge sign that reads 'Welcome to Hilltown!', I take out my headphones and decide to just get it over with.

"I'm meeting my mom tomorrow at The Golden Spoon," I blurt out. Elijah's pauses the show immediately and takes out his headphone. And three, two, one...

"Noah, are you sure you want to do that? I'll support you all the way if you are, but I don't want you to feel like you have to do this. You know..." he says, gently shaking his shoulder which is my cue to lift my head off of it. He turns in his seat to place his hands on my shoulders instead, softly caressing my neck with his thumbs. "It's totally okay to say no if you don't think this will be good for you. You-" He suddenly stops, sighing loudly. "You know what, I said I would support you and I will. I trust that you know what's good for you, so I won't question your decision." With that, he places a soft peck on the tip of my nose. 

"I assume you'd rather do this alone," he says, but it comes out more like a question. I nod my head, not wanting to hurt his feelings by directly telling him that I don't want him there with me. Elijah nods his head understandingly before saying, "If anything happens, call me. Right away. And I'll pick you up, yeah?" I nod my head again, knowing that he won't take no for an answer. With that, he places another kiss to my temple and turns his attention back to his phone, pressing play. I am left staring out the window as I feel the anxiety churning in my stomach, putting pressure on my throat and making breathing a harder task than usual.