Best kept secret | Spencer Reid

Baby steps

A V E R I E ' S   P O V

I can't sleep.

I don't know how long it's been, I've just been staring at the ceiling for what feels like hours. My mind is racing with all my thoughts, I can't go to sleep like this. I need to talk to him.

When I open the bedroom door, I see Spencer sitting at his desk. His head in his hands, eyes fluttering shut.

The soft patter of my footsteps jolt him from his half sleep state, looking up at me when he pinches the bridge of his nose, shaking his head to stay awake.

"Hi." I whisper.

He gives me a sad, tired smile. "Hi."

I shift my weight on my feet, standing awkwardly in the doorway. "I don't want to go to sleep mad at you."

His eyes soften and he gestures for me to come over to him. Crossing the room, I sit up on his desk letting my legs dangle over the edge. He rolls his chair closer, settling between my legs.

I bite the inside of my cheek. "I'm ready to hear you now."

He runs his hands up my thighs, wrapping his arms around my waist, turning head and resting his cheek against my stomach.

"I just need to hold you for a minute first." He mumbles.

I got my anger out earlier, now I'm just confused. I need answers. I yelled at him, and he just sat back and took it. Now it's my turn.

We stay like that for a few minutes, him just holding me before I feel his body start to shake, sniffling as his tears begin to wet my tshirt.

"I'm so scared," He whispers.

I don't respond, I just scratch my nails along his scalp knowing that comforts him.

"I had a girlfriend before you," He lets out a shaky breath. "She was killed right in front of me."

I pull back, wide eyed blinking down at him. My chest tightens seeing the hurt and sadness in his eyes. "Spence.."

"The things that happens in that side of my world is dark." He shakes his head, "It's so dark. I don't want to bring you to that side because I'm scared. I'm so scared something will happen and I can't lose you."

I squeeze his hands in mine. "You wont."

"The things I've seen I never want you to even think about, let alone see."

I remain silent, swiping the tears from underneath his eyes with my thumbs.

"My girlfriend was killed, my bosses wife was killed, one of my co workers had to fake her own death to avoid being killed, another one was kidnapped and tortured," He lets out a humourless laugh. "And that's not even half of it."

He blinks rapidly trying to clear his vision. "My job it's- it's.." He shakes his head trailing off, searching for the right word.

"Intense?" I offer.

"Yeah, intense." He nods. "Loved ones get hurt and killed all because of the sick twisted people out there. I never want to have you be apart of that."

Understandable.

"All the dark things I see out there, then I come home to be with you and it all goes away." His grip on my waist tightens. "It's like it doesn't exist when I'm with you."

He needs an escape from it, and in a way I'm glad I can be that for him.

"I thought I was ready for you to meet them a few weeks ago," He chews on his bottom lip. "But then you got roofied, and it just reminded me of all the bad things that can happen that I can't protect you from."