As Told By Paramours

chapter thirty-one

elijah

I DON'T SEE HER.

I didn't see her the whole time.

I hear the crowd, they're cheering and screaming. But I don't see Josie beside Soo-Ah.

As soon as it's the next person's turn, I leave through the backstage and walk towards where we decided to meet earlier. Josie's not here, either.

Soo-Ah welcomes me with a hug. "Elijah. You were incredible."

"Thank you. Everything okay?" I try to keep the worry out of my voice. Then I remember who I'm talking to. I don't need to pretend, I don't need to hide anything. "Did something come up?"

Soo-Ah shakes her head, perplexed. "No. We were talking and then... she just up and ran out. I wanted to go after her but I didn't want to leave you..."

"It's okay. What were you talking about?"

Then her eyes are guilty, and she does that lying tell where she starts tapping (any surface, but in this case) her pointer finger nervously. I know it before she says it: "You."

"Okay," I say, and my voice is less steady. It's more urgent. "What about me?"

"Well, she asked why you and Kait broke up," she says, and I both pressure her and tell her it's okay to continue with my eyes. "I said I thought it was a cheating issue. But you never tell me anything, so I was shooting in the dark, I don't know." She sighs deeply. "I also said she broke up with you."

I run over her words in my head calmly.

I'd told Josie about Kait. Not a lot, but I had spoken. I didn't even tell Soo-Ah about Kait.

And then it clicks. And every ounce of tranquil leaves my body.

Cheating issue.

Cheating issue.

Her dad...

"Oh God," I think I say. I feel sick. "Christ."

"I'm sorry." Soo-Ah is holding herself with her arms, and I rush to hug her.

"Don't be." I sound like a mouse. "It's not your fault."

I should stay with her, I think, but then I'm telling her something I can't even remember and leaving.

I feel numb.

That's what I feel; numb.

I don't know if I'm to cry or hold myself like Soo-Ah is perhaps still doing. I don't know anything. I just know it hurts.

I don't know if it's because it was so easy for her to believe, to not even second-guess, or because it means she never believed I wasn't that type of person at all. What hurts the most is that she never believed in me.

● ● ●

I don't go to work for a week. I want Josie to know I don't want to force my presence on her. And I don't want her to blame herself either.

Soo-Ah says I'm too forgiving, but I think it's just because it's her. And that makes me more disappointed. I want to be more angry. I just feel sad.

I thought about the type of person I wanted to be to Josie. I don't care about why we met, I don't care about what she's been through and how she feels undeserving. I just want to be with her. I want her to want to be with me, or all of it means nothing.