As Told By Paramours

chapter thirty-two

josie

"I CANNOT BELIEVE MY FIRST RELATIONSHIP EVER LASTED LESS THAN THREE HOURS."

"That may be a record."

Khushi dodges the pillow. Sicko.

"I can't believe you ran out. It must've looked like a movie."

I laugh at my own expense, but it dies down hastily. "I truly don't deserve him," I say into my pillow. It was at the height of my feelings that I acted. As soon as I got home, I realized that I shouldnt have done that, especially not to him. I feel sick.

"That's not true." Khushi pulls me up and pats my head. "Making a mistake doesn't mean you no longer deserve someone's love. I mean, you know him. Do you really think he's sitting at home thinking this girl doesn't deserve me?"

"No," I say pathetically.

"Exactly. You need to stop apologizing or feeling bad for being human."

"God, that's exactly what he said." I smush my head back into my pillow. My head hurts. My heart hurts. Khushi is right, I want to think. But that doesn't make the fact that I ran out on him hurt any less. I can't even imagine what he's thinking right now. I feel sick considering it. "I can't believe I did that to him. I can't believe I did that to him, Khushi. He didn't deserve that."

She rubs my back, and her voice is soft: "I know, okay? Stop beating yourself up."

"Why did I even act like that? I just up and ran without even thinking," I say quietly. "I keep replaying it back and I just feel so... kiddish."

"Maybe because it was a defense mechanism since you've felt betrayed before?" she says. "And that's okay, huh bubba? It's not possible to react maturely in every single situation. You're going to have to react immaturely sometimes, so that next time something like that happens, you can react better."

I remember something now. "Damn, I guess they really are teaching you something in that psychiatry major," I say, earning a small laugh, before I start crying.

First, I think why are you crying? You're overreacting. But then I think about what Khushi said. Maybe it's okay if I just let the tears fall, just for today. And Khushi is there with me the whole time as I do.

● ● ●

I go on a walk.

I've never really been that person.

Nature is gross, and I would rather stay home. But Khushi says walks clear your head, and you forget about everything.

And she's wrong. All I think about is Elijah. But my thoughts about him are clearer.

I didn't get to kiss him properly in my car, or have any other stupid couple moments we could've had. I feel silly; I'm only eighteen. But I liked him a lot. I loved him.

I think about it for a moment. Did I love him? Or did I like him a lot?

Does it have to be so particular? I like him, in a crush way.

But I also loved him as a person. I think it's the same. I want to think it's the same.

So that's when I decide it. Maybe I don't have to think about it in an older, more mature 'either you do or you don't' mindset. Elijah was— he is my favortie person. And I love him. Not loved.

And so I know what I have to do.