When the flowers grow

letter #15

She danced in the rain,

Water drippling down her body.

What she didn't realize is how at peace she was,

Not due to the dancing

Nor the state or mind she was in,

She was gone.

She was at peace because she simply didn't exist anymore,

She was gone,

Forever.

. . .

Summers grave is how you would expect any grave to look, sad and depressing.

Summer didn't deserve this, she wasn't meant to die.

Neither was Oliver, but I took that away from him.

I killed him.

He is gone because of me, and she is gone because of a Shitty heart failure.

"Why... why are you like this", I angrily whisper to the sky.

Always so cruel to take before giving.

Their life wasn't over, they had no time, no time at all.

There love cut short, story never enough for a book. And memories gone for a lifetime all from two things in tragic forms.

I could yell.

I could scream.

I could beat something.

I need them back, Alex needs them, Elliot needs them.

I don't deserve them...

I took, I didn't give.

I'm a monster.

I deserve to burn and rot away where no one can see or hear me.

I need to leave.

I know what I have todo.

I do what I do best and always do, I write, I write for Alex, Summer and Oliver, I write for my emotions and what I need. I write my goodbye, not from this world but from life... only for a bit.

I make 30 letters, all for Alex to find.

~~~

Alex,

You were right. I am a coward for my feelings, so I leave this letter to show that I don't know how to do these.

I'm horrible.

I'm bad at expressing how I feel for you, how I feel internally about other things, and overall I have failed you. I

know if I didn't give this to you, you would stop me... again...

I couldn't do this again, I can't be chased down and stopped. I feel so much love for you it hurts to breath.

You are my whole heart.

This isn't me giving up or leaving you forever. But this is me saying I need to take time for me, selfishly. I'm sorry you had to come out this way and I'm even more sorry you have to deal and clean up my burden once more. This time I truly do need time so I'm asking, begging you. Please give me the time I need. I don't want you to come looking for me nor do I want you to even think about me, this doesn't include text.

This is just as painful for me as it is for you. This isn't goodbye just a see you later kinda thing, just more... formal? I love you and with all my cowardliness I wanted to I sure you got this so with that said, I wrote 30 of these letters and placed them around your house each with a different letter and/or saying and message and I left nothing else. This is my last letter and probably for awhile and your gonna be finding them around for a LONG time. Again, sorry for that burden to.

Your favorite coward, aka your snow-angle,

Amara.

...

Alex,

forgive me, I'm leaving. please don't stop me, don't look for me. I know, I'm acting on impulse and not what I need to be doing but I can't, I cant do this I need to find a way to find shore.

I'm not there yet, I'm nowhere near land as I should be, I keep swimming in this fuzzy water with a bottomless pit below me and every time I fight I sink more and more never allow myself to catch breath.

I need some time.

please allow me to figure this out and when I do, when I do I will come for you.

I know this is selfish, I know this is cruel, but I need to do this.

-amara.

p.s there's exactly 29 more of these in your house, have fun finding the endlessness of them!

...

Alex,

I cant do this anymore.

- amara.

....

Alex,

I've been seeing summer, I see her when I close my eyes, I see her when im awake. shes everywhere. I cant see Oliver but I know he is there, with her, watching my ever move to insure that I don't hurt her the way I hurt him.

I need time on my own.

I need time to drown alone.

- amara.

....

Alex,

im sinking and I fear that the world cant see me the way it did before. I take and never give, so this time I'm giving to you, I'm giving you freedom. don't come looking for me just read what I have written. I'll be back soon... hopefully.

- amara.

...

Alex,

I love you. but please, please don't come for me.

- amara.

...

Alex,

I can't have you be there to stop me this time so I waited till you went to work and left these letters for you around your house. I'm sorry. forgive me.

- amara.

...

Alex,

you are the light when I am pure darkness

you love me when I cant love myself.

you follow me everywhere and insure that I am well taken care of.

let me do this on my own

I will be back and I will be better, stronger.

- amara.

~~~

I wrote till my hands felt like they would fall of from being crapped up. I dropped the letters off spreading them around the whole apartment so he can hopefully find at least one of them. I wish I didn't have to do this but If I didn't he would've stopped me and as selfish as I am, I have to do this on my own. I have to find myself before I can find someone else. I have todo this as much as it hurts.

please forgive...

"where are going?", summer says beside me.

"away, far, far away", I say never looking away from the road.

"away", she repeats more so to herself than me.

"I can do that. what about Alex?", she questions.

"I need to find what I have losses these few years, without him", I respond.

"sometimes aren't meant to be found alone, sometimes you need to have a guiding hand.", she mumbles to me but she sounds like she's scared almost like I'm not ready to hear them.

"I'm meant to find this alone", I angrily respond.

"okay"

"okay"

we both say.

"on the road we go", she says leaning back into the seat getting comfy.