When the flowers grow

letter #12

amara 

(highschool)

my hands shake violently. 

my hands never do this. 

why won't my hands stop shaking. 

my chest begins to tighten.

I can't breath.

everything is spinning, why is the world spinning?!?!?!?! whats going on? why wont everything just STOP?

my breath becomes abnormal, my hands feel as if they weigh a million pounds. the world seems grey and black.

I peck out onto the stage, where I will be in a few minutes. I cant control myself. 

the bright lights are met by my face, I squint my eyes to see everyone, there's to many people. I look over to where my parents should be, I'm met with two. empty spaces that should occupy my parents spacing. 

no one came for me, I cant even see Alex. 

to be far I knew my parents wouldn't come, they never do. I began to wonder at times if they even care or they just want the bragging rights. I don't have to worry about college money atleast so they shouldn't have to be supportive, the state has to pay for that, I guess thats a perk of being adopted. 

I feel hands slowly go around my waist and I jump ten thousand feet it feels like. 

I turn around startled. 

"Alex!", I excitedly cheer, I wrap my arms around his neck and feel comforted in the moment. 

"Amara, I wouldn't miss it for the world", he mumbles into my shoulder. 

that is true, I don't know why I always seem to doubt him, he's always here. I feel as though I cant always count on him as a constant, an anchor. Alex is my anchor, he keeps me sane. 

we both pull away in sync as if our minds are one and know we need to look into the others eyes. 

I start to fidget with my hands feel the nerves come on again. I hate preforming in huge crowds at times. 

Alex grips my hands fast, "don't do that. your scaring yourself more than you need too.", he tries to reassure me. 

I close my eyes taking a big deep breath. think about snowflakes and flowers blooming Amara, focus on the wonders of winter and the warmth of summer and how beautiful it looks when the flowers grow. 

I steady myself trying to think of all tat can bring me back from this fear. 

"my parents aren't here", I quietly whisper, almost so I cant even hear myself say anything.

"don't do that", Alex shakes his head when I open my eyes.

"do what?", I question him.

"second guess yourself. you know they never come, and honestly their not worth the pain if they can't even show in theses important moments. your amazing Amara and thats all you need to focus on.", he looks at my eyes studying me. he moves his hand to grasp mine in his again. 

"just think about the keys your playing when your up there. think of all the melody that comes within a few touches of the key. and if you have too, close your eyes, take a deep breath and play mouth wide open, no thoughts in mind, and all that comes from you is the silently motionless void that plays music for the soul.", he says this every time, but this time I'm more comforted.

"thank you", I give his hand one big squeeze before they usher me onto stage. 

I take my seat infant of the wondrous piano. I move the last sheet music aside until I get to my song being played today. 

I do as Alex said and close my eyes and take a deep breath. 

I lose myself, like always and I think I began to play. I sway with the melody and the vibrations of the piano ahead. I think of being in a meadow with beautiful flowers all over, sun warming my skin, not. thought in mind. I envision running around without a care for school, my parents not showing up for the most important day of my life, friends, or anything else. I'm wearing a white dress being used as a magnet for the sun in my mind. everything so calm, peaceful, wonderful. I wish I could be in a state like this forever. 

I think the only feeling that cane come close to this is when I paint, with each blush stroke I become further and further from reality, everything fades away. its wonderful. 

why cant life be so peaceful as when I'm playing the piano or painting? everything has to be to complicated and scary. 

its almost as if when I'm not playing all the stress and burdens of the world fall to my shoulders and I become consumed with fear and can't think straight.

I feel like I'm swimming, my bodies lighter than a feather and I'm floating, I'm never drowning just trying to reach the surface but cant. I'll never met the surface just forever trying to swim to the top until I eventually do sink and drowned. 

its forever timeless in this state, my mind is mush and I cant think of anything or anywhere else than where my fingers go next, swaying along in my seat thinking of all that the music offers. 

timeless.

then this is where it all ends, everything comes crashing down at once and I end my song. I move my music sheet and walk off stage. its over.

my mush-like state is gone, I'm brought back to the weight on my shoulders. 

after coming back to where Alex is behind the certain I hug him deeply and close. im caught by nothing but his touch. he has now become part of my body and soul again, taking part of the weight off me. 

I'm timeless with him and only him. 

we stay arms wrapped around the other for awhile without either wanting to let go, afraid that once we do it will all go away, the other will fade away. I hug tighter and stronger than I could ever do. 

I need this.

I need him. 

he is my anchor, body and soul just by touch.

he is a dream that will never fade, never leave me. 

I know we need each other a much as the other. 

"I think the most beautiful thing about life is that, even the most broken things in this world may never be put back together. but they can be repurposed and used, to make another happy or see things in a new and better light.", he says out of nowhere. 

I pull away confused my his sudden action of specking.

"what?", I question skeptical. 

"I think the most beautiful thing...", I cut him off "I heard what you said, I'm just confuse where it came from.", I giggle getting a smile from his face. 

"I wanted to get you out of the state you where in to make sure Amara has come back to me, I don't think snowflakes in there yet. why aren't you so hyper?", he comes closer to me than I thought possible and nudges my head. 

"is it hollow in there?", he snorts out making us both break. their gonna kill us for laughing, but at least we die together. 

"I think your the one with the hollow brain, Alex.", I respond.

"there she is!", he smiles making my whole world melt away. 

I could live forever in anyway just to see him smile like this all the time, anywhere, and place. 

forever with him, with me. 

Alex, my Alex. 

I don't know how he can do this, make one feel like their floating and forever not alone, forever happy.