When the flowers grow

letter #10

Amara 

they say that when you experience death you grieve. 

you grieve for the life you had and those you will leave behind,

those who will/have forgot about you, 

they day that others will talk about you until the every last person cares.

Amara didn't die.

in fact I AM Amara and I still have a heart beep and air filling up my lungs.

I knew what happened to Oliver, I heard Alex talk about it all throughout my time being stuck in time.

I had Alex repeat it to me over and over again what happened acting like I didn't hear him, to save him the embarrassment. 

I found that in my almost final moments, Alex needed to lose me for ab bit.

I needed to feel what it felt like to almost lose everything in my life.

we needed to lose each other to see how much love we truly have for each other, I wont forget what happened leading up to the moments before the car crash but they car be ignored for now.

we can live like this for abit.

at least until after...

after..

olivers funeral.

something I dread to think about, I killed him.

I Amara golds killed one of my best friends.

I caused us to get into the crash. 

I caused the collision.

he will never speck, 

never breath, 

never smile again because of me.

I did this.

it cant be undone.

oh god.

how will I live with this? do Alex and Elliot hate me? will Oliver and summer haunt me for the rest of my life hating ever getting to know me now knowing I would be the death of his life? can I forgive myself? will ever get over this?

I have to look at myself everyday in the mirror to see a murderer. I have to live with this. I caused this and must live with the consequences, what if I can't live with this?

will I make it out alive knowing how much I hurt other, knowing I'm destructive and KILLED a man, not just a man, I KILLED OLIVER.

FUCK!

I FUCKING KILLED MY BEST FRIEND.

I deserve to burn, I deserve the worst of all punishments, I must live with this burden. 

I cant.

I cant live with this.

I have to take myself out of this in order to make away the pain I caused.

what if I only made it worse? NO! I cant make this worse, I killed him

I killed him!

I killed him.

I killed him.

I killed him.

I killed him.

I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him.I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him.I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him.I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him.I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him.I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him.I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him.I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him.I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him.I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him.I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him.I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him.I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him.I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him.I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him.

I killed Oliver. 

Oliver...

Oliver...

"oh god, what have I done", I wake in a panic gasping for air sweat dripping from my face. 

I start to sob to myself feeling the grieve hit me harder than a bus.

"I FUCKING KILLED HIM!", I cry and cry.

I feel arms go around my body and I panic, its Oliver's ghost getting revenge.

I scream only to hear Alex hush me, "its okay, its okay. you didn't kill him. Amara look at me, please", he pleas trying to calm me from my panic.

I gasp for more air as two hands pull me to look into a blurry face, hands go around my face cupping it and they clean me from my tears.

I don't deserve this, I cant be treated kindly

I scream at him yelling for him to stop rambling, pleading to whoever can hear me saying I don't deserve this.

I don't care who hears.

I don't care who knows.

I cant live like this.

this is my life now.

I deserve to surfer.

you. don't. get. to. be. happy. anymore. Amara.

I cringe at my own name.

and like that I start to come out of this... this, panic.

I am brought back to these wonderful half grin, half blue eyes I love.

I see Alex again, truly for the first time again.

Alex, my Alex...

my heart burns for him, I cant have him.

he doesn't want me anymore.

I know it!

im a monster.

and like that I realize I've said all of this aloud, for everyone to hear. 

Alex pulls me to his chest as I cry some more and hushes me saying sweet nothings in my ear ever so quietly only for me to hear.

he tells me I'm not a monster, he tells me I'm not cruel.

he tells me that I can hav him in my life and he doesn't blame me for what I couldn't control. he tells me I'm worth everything and he would do it all over again to get me back everything. 

he's too good. 

he still loves me, somehow.

I don't even care that he is shirtless with a 6 pack for days. 

I don't care that he know has snot and tears all over him from my sobs.

I no longer care about the worries I have, I am at peace being in his arms.

he brings me comfort. 

he is my home right now.

I only see that we are in a hospital room and I hear the door slam shut as. nurses and doctor's and whoever else heard has just now left after my psycho attack on everything. 

but I cant seem to worry or cares bout anything other than Alex's touch bring me so much from circles being made on my back and his voice bring a white nose I could listen to for a life time.