hopeless | jean kirstein

23 | blood hands

"What's wrong?" The Captain's voice echoed throughout the dimly lit warehouse they were all sitting in, the sound bouncing off the dirt-stained walls. He raised a questioning brow at Armin who they noticed had been deathly silent ever since the incident a few hours earlier. "The grimy place kill your appetite?"

The blond shook his head, opening his mouth to respond. "No...it's just..." He began to say, glancing up to look at the boy seated beside him. "Jean, there's something I don't understand."

Perking up at the mention of his name, Jean furrowed his brows. "What's that?"

"When I shot that gun to save you, I honestly thought I didn't make it in time," Armin muttered out. "Sorry, but...why was I the one who shot first?"

At his statement, Jean gritted his teeth, about to say something when Captain Levi beat him to it. "Because the other person hesitated," He told them. They all turned to look at him, causing the man to shrug his shoulders. "It's true."

Ducking his head, Jean looked regretful. "Armin, I'm sorry. I should've done what I had to do."

The blond continued to stare at the roaring fire in front of him, the glowing flames dancing in the air. "That woman I killed...I bet they were a nice person. Someone that was much more human than I am," His eyes were wide open, as if recalling the events. "I pulled the trigger so easily...I did..."

"Armin," Captain Levi's voice cut through the air sharply. He stared at him, his gaze hard. "You've got blood on your hands now. You can't go back to who you were."

Across him, Mikasa frowned, appearing upset at his words. "Why would you say that?"

Yet the Captain kept his eyes trained on Armin. "Embrace the new you. Just think, if your hands were still clean, Jean wouldn't be here right now," He told them firmly, and the group grew silent at the unmistakable truth. "I'll tell you why you pulled the trigger. Because your comrade was about to die."

"Armin, and you too, Taryn," He said to them all of a sudden, catching the attention of the girl sitting alone in one corner, Taryn perking up at the mention of her name. "Because of the two of you, nobody on our squad ended up dead," He told them after a while, an unwavering sincerity in his voice. "Thank you."

Silence enveloped them, hearing only the crickets and the sound of the warm fire cackling, until Jean decided to speak up, looking as if he had something on his mind. "Captain Levi, I thought it was wrong for us to be fighting other people, and wrong for you to order us to do it," He began to say, before gritting his teeth once more. "But I'm the one who's wrong. Next time...I'll shoot."

The Captain stared at him in understanding, sighing. "I never said anything about who was right or wrong," He replied with a serious face. "I don't even know myself. Are you really the one in the wrong?"

Jean didn't seem to have anything to say after that, keeping to himself as he pondered over the Captain's statement. Levi stood up, breaking the silence, his eyes raking over their faces. "I think it's time for all of you to go to sleep. You all need energy, who knows what's in store for us tomorrow."

With his words, they murmured back a response of agreement, watching as he disappeared further into the warehouse. They stood up as well, putting away their used dishes and scrambling to get their beds for the night ready.

Laying down on their beds—which were really just a load of blankets stacked on top of each other so as not to feel the stiffness of the cold ground—the tiredness and exhaustion from the day took over them quickly, pulling the group into a deep slumber. Loud snores and light breathing soon filled the air, courtesy of their sleeping comrades. Yet Jean was wide awake, blinking at the ceiling.