Second to None

43. ugly truth

A note of apology from Ryoma arrived three days later. A simple "I'm sorry" and "I shouldn't have been so harsh" were all he wrote in exchange for her forgiveness. 

Looking at his hasty writing on a yellow sticky note, Mayu felt a hollow ring to his words as she read it to herself. Wanting to believe in the best of their future, however, she relented and tucked the new hotel key into her purse. They carried on as if nothing was wrong, but Mayu had sensed a crack because they'd both unearthed the truths they didn't want to see.

Unusual fatigue overcame Mayu the following week. She found it difficult to get out of bed in the morning and her appetite disappeared. On her way home, she overslept her home station and had to take an additional ride to backtrack. As if to conclude her symptoms, she missed her period that arrived like clockwork since she was a teen.

Cold sweat covered Mayu as she stared at the calendar. All signs pointed to the obvious, the worst-case scenario. She waited one more day before allowing panic to set in. 

In a moment of helplessness, she broke their rules and called Ryoma. When he didn't pick up after five tries, she texted him: Call me back. I have to talk to you. Important.

His reply came an hour later: I'm in the middle of an important meeting.

This can't wait.

Then tell me here.

Taking a deep breath, she responded: Delete this after you read it: I think I'm pregnant.

No way. We used protection.

It might've broke.

Unlikely.

How do you know?

Another thirty minutes passed before his next answer: How do you know if it's even me? It could've been Tezuka.

Mayu felt as if she'd just been slapped. Biting back the sting, she responded: Just call me when you can. I'm afraid.

No answer. She waited late into the night, checking her phone every fifteen minutes and finding a blank screen each time. When she checked again in bed, Tezuka asked if something at work was bothering her since she never brought her phone into the bedroom. She told him no with a serene smile even though her insides screamed. Her cry for help might as well have been tossed down an abandoned well.

She gave Ryoma another day before completely giving up hope. It was pointless to wait for him; she was on her own and she had to save herself. 

The next day, Mayu took a train to Shibuya as soon as she left work and, at the most crowded convenience store in the city, bought a pregnancy test with sunglasses on. When the elderly woman at the checkout counter saw her purchase, she scowled in disapproval as if knowing that this young woman had been up to no good.

After paying, Mayu skulked into the station washroom and locked the stall. Holding the test stick in hand, she whispered in French so no one could accidentally eavesdrop.

"You aren't pregnant," she said firmly. "I command you, Mayu Ohara, to not be pregnant. You must not be pregnant. Please."

That done, she sat down on the toilet, peed on the stick and set a timer for two minutes as instructed on the box. Head bowed and eyes on the floor, she prayed over and over again, feeling as if her heart was tossed in hot oil while her body was tossed in the cold sea. When her phone beeped, she inhaled deeply and dared herself to look at the test stick—

Negative.

Tears welling in her eyes, Mayu cried, out of relief and out of loneliness.

There were no more visions of secretly booking an abortion appointment and taking the walk of shame after. There was no more vision of hiding her pain from Tezuka. There was no more vision of her suffering unwanted side effects from an invasive procedure... 

And there was no more vision of her beginning a new life with Ryoma because he didn't care about her. He didn't drop everything or even bother to call back when she was terrified and alone. He wasn't there, didn't want to be there.

***

A message from Ryoma didn't arrive until the next day asking her to meet him after work—not a word about whether if she was alright. His lukewarm response might've been a result of their argument a week before, or that he didn't understand the fear that tore through her, or that he simply didn't love her.

In a moment of fury, she deleted his message and took the afternoon off. She spent it sitting on a bench in Yoyogi Park. On a Wednesday, the park had a smattering of visitors, consisting of mostly housewives, retirees and young hipsters. It was April again. Everywhere she looked there were signs of life in the centennial trees, the lush grass and the songbirds leaping over branches. The silver Tokyo skylines loomed over the greenery, glinting in the afternoon sun. 

Staring at this familiar scenery, Mayu was reminded of the spring when her seventeen-year-old self first landed at Narita airport. Things had been simple then because she didn't think about staying, didn't want love, didn't care to settle. She was young, alone, and happily welcoming any opportunity that the world threw at her. She was free. That version of her, as much as she'd tried to preserve, was no longer there.

She sat watching people walk by until the sun started going down. At the golden hour, she unexpectedly received a call from Hirose asking to meet, wherever she was. Hearing a strange heaviness in her friend's voice, Mayu offered to meet at BLEU.