WITH LOVE / XIAOVEN

seventeen.

authors note: omg... double update?!?! ik its so crazy bc i usually only update once but ive been insane bc ive been locked up in my room all week so i wrote 2 chapters :DD umm my friends & i were messing around so told me wut songs reminded them of this fic so here they are LOL (btw.. only 2 friends have seen my drafts so.. the other 2 songs are very different LMAOO)

ok heres da list: 1. blue bird (banana fish soundtrack) 2. ylang ylang (fkj) 3.always forever (cults) 4. i bet on losing dogs (mitski) LMAOOO 

so yall feel free 2 guess which has seen my drafts and which hasnt... i think theyre obvious IDK (or feel free 2 tell me wut songs remind u of this fic ^__^ i need song recs anyway!) 

ANYWAY UHH THIS CHAPTER IS VERY MUHC PAIN AND SUFFERING.... im sowwy um tw for mentions of s/h (not c/tting so if ur sensitive to that, youll be fine!) nd mentions of SA 

ANYWAY ENJOY IM SORRY IF YALL SUFFER (also if u sexualize the last scene im fucking both of ur parents)

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venti watches as xiao enters the apartment once more, his cheeks stained with tears and his eyes watery still. venti doesn't like the way he looks- or rather he's not fond of the way he looks. he's seen xiao in almost all of his worst but now that he looks at him, none of that was his worst, this was.

xiao sniffles as he enters the apartment and venti can't help but stare at him with sadness in his eyes. xiao's eyes are puffy and they still look as if he was crying. venti walks over to xiao, "are you okay? do you want to go back to the dorms?"

xiao shakes his head as he croaks out, "i'll be fine, venti. i can drive myself back to the dorms- i don't want to ruin your time with aether and lumine. one of them can drive you back or something, i don't know."

venti shakes his head, "no, no. i don't want you to be alone during this, xiao."

"i don't want you to comfort me."

venti sighs as he looks down at xiao's hands- the area around his fingernails were bloodied and scratched up. yeah right, you don't need to be comforted, venti thinks sarcastically.

lumine cleared her throat causing both of them to look up at her. she points to a room at the end of the hall, "if you don't want us to hear your conversation, you can go to my room. it doesn't have paimon in there- she likes aether's room better, anyway."

at the sound of aether's name, xiao looks across from lumine to see a sleeping aether, with his cheek squished against the table and a drink still in his hand.

venti nods, "thank you."

once the two are in the room and xiao is sat on lumine's bed and venti is sat across from him, sitting in her gaming chair (which she would probably kill venti if she knew he was sitting in it but that doesn't really matter now, does it?).

"what's wrong?" venti asks and xiao breaks.

"so much, too much." xiao sighs as his eyes water, "jeans asking us to go to the office on friday and i know she's either going to blacklist one of us or we'll both have to leave and i don't want hu tao to blame us because she's going to be all alone and she's like, someone i really fucking trust and i don't want to lose her or you."

xiao runs a hand through his hair, "i just wanted happiness for the first time in my life. i don't know why it's so hard."

venti sighs, "i'm not sure. i'm sorry."

xiao leans forward, gripping venti's hand, "don't be sorry. i'm happy to have spent that happiness with you."

venti nods, staring intently at xiao's hands- he had soft hands but now they seemed so rough with the dried blood around his fingernails and scratches all over his hands. xiao must have noticed because he soon pulled his hands away from venti and wiped them on his jeans nervously.

"can we go home?"

venti nods, "of course."

they soon head out and as venti drives, xiao speaks up.

"there was one other thing that was bothering me but i'm not too sure if you're alright with me talking about it." xiao says nervously and venti looks over to see him avoiding eye contact, and scratching his jeans.

"i think i'm fine with most things you talk about besides that one time you were talking about me with hu tao and you said, i think, venti is so fucking cute that whenever i look into his eyes i see god, was that it?"

xiao flushes, "yes that was what i said, word for word but um, i'm not talking about that."

"oh, do say what you were going to say."

"ganyu was talking about my sexuality over the phone and i don't know, venti. i saw so many people already talking about the fact that i was gay and it was odd."

"oh, have you ever had any romantic feelings towards anyone besides me?"

"no."

venti flushes as he pauses, "o-oh. um, sexual?"

xiao shrugs, "not really. i mean i didn't really have time for that besides when my mom and her friends came over an' stuff."

"her friends? i thought it was just-"

"just her?" xiao asks and laughs lightly, "yeah, right. she said that i was "so cute that everyone needed to experience it". she's a fucking creep, of course she would bring both her guy and girl friends over. it's so weird."

venti would use a different word for her but of course, "creep" and "weird" was one way to put it.

venti shrugs, "i don't know, xiao. sexuality is so weird so i don't even bother myself with it."

xiao nods as venti pulls into a parking space, "oh thank god, nobody's here."

venti unlocked the car but nobody got out. they both sat in silence- the whole situation was unreal, never in their life did they think this would happen.

"i think i need help," xiao says, out of the blue.

venti looks over to xiao, his head resting against the back of the carseat. he looks so exhausted and tired. he hates admitting it- it makes venti feel so bad but xiao does. xiao needs more help than venti could ever offer with.

"i know," venti whispers, "i want help but i only think i could offer help with small things, it's the best i can do."

"that's fine." xiao says, "that's the most i could ever ask for."

they soon leave the car and the two then find themselves in their bathroom- xiao sits in the bath silent as venti is sitting on the outside of the tub, using a small towel that xiao hates. it's too soft and it's not harsh enough to rub out all the blood from his hands. venti doesn't want to hurt him- he knows that xiao uses a towel that makes his skin all red and it hurts seeing him be so harsh with himself.

xiao tenses whenever venti looks at him and it hurts. it hurts knowing that this is how it'll always be- tense stares, guilt filled love, it hurts. venti stares at xiao and xiao has been nothing but silent and all venti can do is babble on about random things, hoping it'll comfort the other man. it feels as if the loneliness has never left xiao, it's always been there with him.

venti pushes xiao's hair back, washing it with floral shampoo and conditioners as venti washes it with care. i don't deserve this, xiao thinks as venti smiles at him softly, his smile radiating with the warmth of a setting sun from the beach. venti talks calmly as he massages the man's scalp, it's so soft and comforting- xiao never feels more at peace during moments like this.

venti rinses out his hair as xiao does nothing but stare at his hands. i wanted to be better than this, xiao thinks, and yet i am always being taken care of as if i am still a thirteen year old. i think i'm not getting any better than this. venti looks to xiao, he's lost in thought and it hurts not knowing what he is lost in his thoughts about.

"i'm gonna leave so you can change, okay?" venti says as he gets up and a hand stops him.

"no, uh, stay with me?" xiao softly asks and venti furrows his eyebrows in confusion.

"i thought you weren't comfortable with me seeing.. you know."

"i am but," xiao avoids his gaze, "i mean through all this will... will you stay with me?"

venti smiles softly as he nods, "of course, i'll always stay with you."