After Afterall

4

The next thirty-six hours don't go so well for the President. He tries to keep a brave face, but after a while I know he's struggling and the more he struggles, the harder his recovery will be. I know he wants his family around him, but having them in the room means he never rests, so Richard kindly asks them to leave. We also put a ban on all work. The President's advisors aren't happy about it, but the Vice President steps in to make decisions which is the only real solution.

I stay at the hospital two nights in a row which doesn't fly under Alex's radar like I had hoped. He teases me endlessly the morning after the second night. "Did the President request that you stay? Has he passed a law about it?"

I'm no longer well-rested, so my fuse is short. I know Alex is joking, but it doesn't mean I'm not irritated by him. "The man was shot three days ago. I'm being a good physician."

"Or are you his choice for the First Lady?"

I smack the back of his head. "You're an idiot."

Alex just laughs at me. "So testy." My pager goes off. "Is it your boyfriend?"

"Shut the fuck up."

The fact is, it wasn't actually the President. I've had a busy schedule the last two days with five surgeries on the board. One patient, an older man with liver cancer, continues to flat line after a complication in his surgery. I rush to his room in the ICU and he's coding. The nurse begins chest compressions and when I arrive, one of the interns is pressing the paddles to his chest. "Clear," he calls and everyone steps back.

Nothing.

"Another one," the intern instructs and his voice is loud and clear. The nurse recharges the machine. "Clear!"

The heart jolts, but it doesn't start.

"One more." Everyone except the intern looks to me. They're waiting for me to stop it, but on my first day I didn't and my patient came back to life. I simply shake my head to say, "No, I won't stop him." The intern looks at the nurse. "Another charge!" She does as told. The intern yells, "Clear," and shocks the patient.

He's dead.

"Another," the intern says, but his voice isn't so strong.

I walk around the bed and turn off the machine. The room goes quiet except for the flat line signal. "He's gone. You need to call it."

"Just one more," he says. He's a big guy, tall and muscular. He's a jock like Alex once was, but much like Alex he's learning surgery isn't just about being a former college athlete and riding those coattails for seven years.

I shake my head. "He's gone. He was gone when you started."

The intern drops the paddles which crash together and knock into the metal leg of the bed. He walks from the room. I look up at the screen. "Time of death: 8:57." Once the nurse records the time, I leave the room and walk down the hallway in search of the intern. I find him in an on-call room right down the hallway. He wipes away tears as I enter the room.

I walk over to the bed and sit down beside him. "Mr. Willis had a tear in his sutures during surgery, which made it complicated. I repaired the tear, but his liver was so damaged from cancer it was unlikely that he would make it even the night. His death was predestined. There was nothing you could've done." I glance at the interns badge and learn his name is Lewis Carlisle. "You did good work today Doctor Carlisle."

He takes a deep breath. "When does it become normal to just lose people?"

"It never does," I tell him honestly. "I can go weeks without it bothering me or I'll have weeks where every single death feels like a family member. It's the hardest part of the job and you have to find your own way of coping."