After Afterall

18

One hour later, Derek and I are sitting in his private office with little privacy. Members of his team keep coming and going, adding bits of insight and to the growing list of concerns everyone seems to have. Each time someone walks in, we halt our conversation, but at this point I'm happy for each interruption. Hammering out the details of my move and the complete shift in my lifestyle is exhausting.

When Alan leaves the room for the third time, Derek turns his attention back to me. "You're going to have to tell Alex today."

I nod. "I know. I already text him and told him to call when he has time. I know he has an early surgery."

"We should also tell our families. They're going to be dragged into this."

I hadn't given much thought to my mom and stepdad being included in my soon-to-be public life, but as Derek says it, it seems inevitable that they will be dragged through the trenches. It's probably only a matter of time before my mom's condition becomes public news. It's exactly what she doesn't want and I don't think I can stop her secrets from being revealed.

"Meredith?" Derek asks.

"What?"

"I was asking you what you thought about having dinner with my family tonight since they're all in town? Where did you just go?"

I unfold my legs from underneath myself and set down the paperwork I was pretending to read through. Alan and Lily handed me a nondisclosure agreement almost immediately after agreeing to go public. I can't help but think they'd both already had it written.

I meet Derek's eyes and he's concerned. I'm concerned. I run my hands along my jeans. "You should know some stuff," I say vaguely. "Before you decide to go all in."

"Meredith, you don't have to tell me anything."

"But I do. There's things you don't know, and—"

"I know everything, Meredith," he interrupts.

I shake my head. "No, you gave me my folder. You said you didn't read it."

"I didn't," he says before setting down his own papers and leaning back in his chair. I'm relieved to hear it. Until he says, "But once we started dating, I needed to know."

I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. "You needed to know. Why then?"

"Because, I figured this would happen at some point and I needed to be well-informed."

"Well-informed," I repeat. I stand up from my seat and begin to pace the room. "And you didn't think to come to me? You didn't think about asking me to tell you?"

Derek nods. "I did, but I wasn't sure if you wanted to talk about it." He sighs. "I'm so sorry about your mom."

"I've been dreading the moment I would have to tell you for weeks and you just...you just know and all that anguish could've been nothing."

He stands and stops me from pacing by placing his hands on my upper arms. "I'm sorry. I should've told you that I knew, but again, I didn't want to discuss it if you weren't ready. I wanted you to find the right time, not have me pushing you into it."

I shake his hands from me because I can't think when he's touching me. "It wasn't your right to read my folder, especially after you said you wouldn't."

"I have a folder you can read about me if you want. Even up the score." He gives me a smirk.

"I'd rather give you the chance to tell me yourself." I am so livid and all I want to do is run from this room. But I'm not sure I'd get very far before being stopped. I begin pacing again.