Queen Of Hearts | Roger Taylor

XXIII

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I was standing against the wall one of the biggest venues in London. Mary and Delilah were next to me, chatting about something – I didn't know what because I wasn't paying attention. I was downing my drink quicker than usual when I saw the venue getting fuller and fuller. We could've gotten backstage passes but refused. The view from the crowd had always been better.

My breath hitched in my throat when the light dimmed, and they came on stage. I saw how he sat himself behind his drum set, smiling at everyone and waving. He saw me and did the thing he always did, winked and sent me a kiss. I gave him a small smile and waved back. It only made it harder, knowing what I was going to do tonight.

It was their last night in London. After this show, they would go home and get a few hours of sleep. In the early hours of the morning they would take off to America. Brian had already packed all his stuff and instructed me in how to run the household without him – as if I didn't know.

After playing a few songs, they took a quick water break. Mary tapped my shoulder and I turned around. Both her and Delilah looked at me with the same concerned look on their faces. I sighed and pushed a hand through my hair.

"What's going on with you?" Mary asked me.

I shrugged. "Nothing, I'm just-," I couldn't find the right words. I didn't want to lie to my best friends, but also didn't want to tell them what I was planning on doing.

"You're not the only one that's sad," Delilah reassured me. She caressed my shoulder and looked at me with sympathy.

I turned around before they could see the tears that were forming themselves in my eyes. Quickly I winked them away, focussing on the stage as they played the next song. They shined on stage, playing with the biggest impact they had. The crowd loved them, and I did too.

Soon enough there came an end to the show. The people stuck around for a while before they realised this was the real end. Then everyone started to leave quickly. Delilah and Mary went backstage, greeting the guys and I told them I'd join them in a second. instead, I went outside and lit a cigarette.

It didn't take long before I heard the door open and he stepped out. He sat down next to me on the small bench, also lighting a cigarette. We didn't say anything to each other for a moment. I felt his hands on my back, drawing circles and playing with the ends of my hair.

"Did you enjoy the show?" he asked. I sat up and looked at him. He looked tired, but also still coming off from the high of the show.

"I always enjoy them," I said softly. I took the last puff from the cigarette before stomping it out with my foot.

"What's going on? You've been acting different," he suddenly said. I didn't say anything as he cupped my face, forcing me to look at him.

"Roger," I whispered, removing his hands – instead he grabbed mine. He immediately knew something was wrong, because I almost never called him by his full name. "I have to tell you something."

"You're making me nervous. What is it?" he asked impatiently. As I stared into his deep blue eyes, I saw truth, but it wasn't enough to stop me from the saying the next words.

"I can't do this anymore," I spoke out. His grip on my hands loosened and I almost heard him gasp. I turned away from him, letting my head fall into my hands.

"Why?" he asked. When I didn't answer, he raised his voice. "Tell me!"

"You used to tell me about your rockstar dreamlife, and I want you to be able to live that. I'm not going to hold you back," I tried to explain myself. Who was I fooling with this anyway?

"What? I don't want that. And you're not holding me back," he spoke quickly. He was stressing out; I could tell by the tapping of his foot.

"It's just the way it has to be. I'm sorry," I stood up, wanting to walk away.

"Lotus! Don't leave!" he yelled at me. I stopped in my tracks and turned around. "Give me a better reason than that. One that I can believe,"

I swallowed and felt the first hot tear run across my cheek as I said the words, I knew would hurt him the most. "I don't want to be with you, Roger."

⋆

The next morning, I got up early to help by brother pack the last of his stuff. The tour bus would pick him up in an hour. He told me I didn't need to, but I hadn't slept a wink last night. What I told Roger hurt me more than anything else. I had cried myself to sleep only to wake up every hour and crying again. Pain was one thing, but this was different.

We packed in silence. He tried to start a conversation with me a few times, but I didn't keep it going. It was fair to him, but right now I wasn't in the mood. I just broke up with my boyfriend and now my brother was leaving for weeks.

"I can fly you over whenever," Brian said while we stood in front of the door. I fixed his curls and smiled at him.

"I'm going to be okay; I promise. Don't worry about me," I reassured him. He shook his head.

"I always do. That's my job," he lightly joked. I laughed through my tears and pulled him in for a hug.

To say I was going to miss him was something else. This was my twin, my other half. The one I trusted the most in this world and that I had never been separated from longer than three days. The man who fought for me, looked out for me and always forgave me for my stupid actions and mistakes.

"What should I tell him?" Brian asked carefully when we pulled back. I knew who he was talking about.

"Nothing. Don't put yourself between us. You don't belong there," I said. I didn't want him to meddle and play the peacemaker. Roger was his friend. He would stay his friend and nothing that happened between us would change that.

"Call me when you need anything, anything at all," he said one more time. I rolled my eyes and then we heard the doorbell. He had to go. "I love you, Lo. Don't forget it."

"I love you, too," I said. We did our symbol one more time – holding out index finger against the left side of our nose, and then he had to leave.

I watched from the window as he greeted the others. They loaded his luggage and then suddenly Roger stepped out. He walked towards the front door, wanting to walk in. Brian stopped him, saying something that I couldn't hear.

Then they both walked back, entering the bus that took off not much later. I watched it drive away, all the way to the corner off the street until I couldn't see it anymore. I let myself fall on the sofa and broke into tears, crying until there were no tears left.  

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don't hate me. i know, this is painful but it will get better.

stay safe! xx