A Life Without The Sun

The CD

It had been 3 days since the funeral. He still wasn't ready. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't seem to get it out of his mind.

He waited until his parents were out of the house to press play. His heart raced and his breathing was erratic as he looked at the first scene on his computer screen - it was Hinata in his hospital bed. He looked skinny and weak, but his hand was in a waving motion, and his head was cocked to the side. And he was smiling.

How Kageyama missed that smile.

For a split second, the thought of closing his laptop up and snapping the CD crossed his mind. But he knew he had to play it.

Click.

"Hey Tobi! Oh whoops, you don't like me calling you Tobi...oh well! I'll be dead by the time you watch this anyway, so you can't exactly tell me off.

I thought I'd leave this behind, though. I'm not really sure what I'm going to say to be honest, but I guess I'll just wing it. You better not pause me though! I'm really trying here!

Okay, well first of all, I guess I'd better apologise. I actually have a couple of apologies to make so get ready for it, this is a once in a lifetime thing. Tobi, I'm sorry. I truly am. I've been lying to you. Well in fairness, I've been lying to all of you, but I feel extra bad that I lied to you. I've known I've had a brain tumour for over a year.

At first, they thought they could treat it with some therapy thing, so I thought it best not to worry everyone. But it was taking its toll on me. That's why I was so weak at Internationals and I had that seizure. The only reason I looked so shocked when I told you and Ukai that day was because I also found out something on that day - I was incurable. Before that, I always held out hope that this was all a dream and that I could be cured. But it all came shattering down on that day. So yeah, I'm sorry I'm only just admitting this.

Speaking of, I want to apologise for ruining the Honolulu trip. God, how embarrassing that I had a seizure in front of THE Eryk Korda! I bet he thought I was a proper freak. Oh, also, I know the team laughed at me. I appreciate that you tried to hide it, but I could hear it from outside. The windows were open, dummy. I only asked to see if you'd tell the truth or not. Despite all of that, the Honolulu trip was by far the best thing that has happened to me. Mostly because of that peck on the lips to be honest! I really did not expect that from you, Tobi!

Next, I want to apologise for never giving you back the money for that chocolate bar and milkshake. Take it out of my life-savings account if you want. I won't be needing them anymore anyway, haha! I'll really try my best to pay you back though, but this is just in case I never do.

This next apology might be a little bit cringey, especially for you, Mr Emotionless King. I love you. I always have. Since the first day of high school if my memory serves me right. And so, I'm sorry I never got to say that to you in life.

But, I'm so glad I got to hear it from you. Actually, I've not heard it yet, but I'm hoping to get it out of you. You've basically said it to me already. Whenever I'm 'asleep', I always hear you hum that English song, 'You Are My Sunshine', and you always repeat the line that says 'you'll never know, dear, how much I love you'. Always. I don't know if you mean it in a romantic way, but just know I'm so thankful that I get to hear that song almost every day.

I don't know what I would've done without you. And so that means that you're not going to know what to do without me, no matter how much you deny it. And so, I'm sorry that I had to die. I would give anything to stay with you. If it meant I had to move out of my mothers house, I would. If it meant I had to do English lessons everyday for the rest of my life, I would. If it meant I could never play volleyball ever again, I would. And I mean it.

I'm so scared. I really am terrified. But I'm going to trust that you're going to live on, for me. So the last thing I want to do is make you promise something. Please carry on playing volleyball. I know it will be hard without yours truly because I am so excellent! No but seriously, I know how much you love it, and I know that you've been skipping practice to visit me. And while I really appreciate it, I need you to carry on playing. Make it to the big leagues! I promise I'll be watching you! If you don't, I swear I will come back and haunt you, so be warned.

So this is it. Are you proud I got this far without crying? I know I am. But now what I want to say is thank you. Thank you so much. You made my short life worth living, despite everything I was going through. You really do remind me of a sunset. You're the most gorgeous, pure, amazing sunset that could've blessed my life. So, thank you. I love you so much. Haha, actually I'll give you this, for all the times you've hummed it to me. Tobi,

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know, dear, how much I love you
Please...please don't take my sunshine away.

Ugh god, I really jinxed myself by bragging about me not crying, huh? I don't want to say goodbye. God, why is this so hard? You know what, you're coming to visit me after school today so I guess it isn't goodbye anyway.

See you later, Tobio Kageyama!"

The video cut off briefly, and then suddenly started to play again, although this time it looked as if it was night time.

"SHIT! Sorry, I wanted to leave it on a lovely emotional moment but I forgot something crucial. I need to hurry though because you've gone to the toilet so you could be back at any second. Why am I telling you this?!

Oh my god anyway, at the first volleyball practice after I die, ask Ukai about my locker. He will understand. You can bring Tsukki too. I've told Ukai the details but he will most likely have forgotten by the time I-

Oh hey Tobi! Yeah, no nothing, I-"

And that was it.

The tears that had been brimming in Kageyama's eyes finally freed themselves from his eyelids and rolled in volumes down his face.

He closed his laptop up and hugged it tightly to his chest.

"Come back Shoyo! Please come back! You can call me Tobi, I won't get mad, I promise! Please let me hum that song to you again! Let me buy you more chocolate, you don't have to pay me back! I NEED you, Shoyo! Let me say 'I love you' properly to you! PLEASE?!"

He continued to scream these words and more for over half an hour, until finally, he collapsed onto the floor asleep, his arms still wrapped tightly around his precious laptop.

And for the first time since Hinata's death, a ray of sunlight came bursting through the thicket of cloud above. It beamed through Kageyama's window, illuminating and softly warmed his exhausted body.