Lost memories(madnessa)

~2~

⚠️TW⚠️ nightmares of abuse and r@pe

Vanessa

Seeing Madelaine in jail was something I couldn't picture. Seeing her in that orange jumpsuit and having to visit her because of the kids.

It's my fault and I know it. If I never opened my legs up to Kori this wouldn't have happened. It's just I can't remember the time I slept with him. Was I drugged? I'd go to his house because he said the kids left something then find myself laid on a couch or bed. Maybe I was and he was trying to screw with what Madelaine and I had.

Yea I'm scared of her now, more than ever. What she said to me.

I should've never killed Michael and his brothers

I knew she killed Michael but I never knew she killed his brothers. She did that for me, she killed the ones that hurt me then turned into them. I'm glad she did but the thing she said next.

And gave you back to them.

I had nightmares after nightmares of that. Of her give me back to them and then hurting me all over again.

The nightmares were so bad that I had to go to therapy and call either Kelly, Camila, or Lili to come stay with me.

Kelly moved out once she had found a loving boyfriend. She's expecting to have a baby boy on December 1st.

Then Camila and Lili are married, they broke up with the guys they were with and just got together. They're perfect for each other.

Then there me a mess up.

Just seeing the kids sad everyday and trying everything in the book to help them is tough and my fault again.  All of this could've been avoided but I can't remember ever sleeping with Kori.

When I found out I was pregnant I was gonna tell Madelaine I was but I knew what she'd do so I just hid the test in my bathroom.

I didn't even know how I was pregnant. I didn't know by who, some days were just a blur.

Now here we are a broken-up family.

Just seeing Madelaine with cuffs in a jail cell or seeing her at the visitation room was upsetting me because I'm the reason she was in here I'm the reason this family is over, all my fault everything.

This is your fault, ALL YOUR FUCKIN FAULT

It was I knew it was. Everyone tells me it's not and that I should be glad she's in jail but I wasn't. She tried fixing our family by erasing Kori out of the picture but what would the kids think, even though I know they don't like him as much.

They called asking me to go pick them up and I do in a heartbeat.

"Vanessa...Vanessa your sweating" Lili said knocking me out of my thoughts.

"I-I'm good Lili t-thanks"

"You're not good. You stutter when something's upsetting you so tell me what it is" she said rubbing my back.

I looked at her then burst into tears, Lili pulling me up on her lap.

"I-it's all my fault Lili" I cried into her shoulder. "Everything"

"No it's not Vanessa. Nothing is your fault"

"Yes it is! If Kori never came back into the picture none of this would've happened. The family I once had fallen off because of me"

"Quit it Vanessa. Don't talk like that"

"But it's t-true. Madelaine's in jail because of me. I should've been the one she shot, I should've been the one that almost bled to death. It should've been me" I sobbed.