Lost memories(madnessa)

~8~

Vanessa

"Hey V you ok?" Lili whispered checking in on me.

"I'm fine" I rasped out not looking at her. When Madelaine ask about the baby I cried for an hour at the memories I wanted to forget. Ever since that lili, Camila, and Kelly check in on me from time to time.

"You hungry?"

"Just a little" I mumbled. "Could you bring me leftovers?"

"Yea of course"

"Thank you" I mumbled pulling the covers over my shoulders.

I heard lili walk out the room and I let out the shaky breath I was holding.

All I could think of now was the baby I lost, telling the kids I no longer had the baby in my stomach. It was a difficult thing to tell them since they were so excited for another sibling.

Now I have to deal with Kori in the hospital still going through some surgeries and texting me to bring the kids to see him which I'm not doing, now Madelaine's out of jail and somehow got into the house by who knows. My life is completely hell at this point. Police officers informing me that they'll investigate koris house to see if the find any illegal substance once they get the warrant for it.

At this point could I just be a single parent. I know I should be grateful that Madelaine wants to still be in the picture...but I hate the problems I'm having to face right now.

Everything went to shit when I told her I was pregnant with river. Her taking things to Twitter made so many turn against me and say I was "trying to trap her" or "that I wouldn't be nothing without her."

I miss the very first relationship I had. Back in 10th grade before ever dating Michael. It was a guy, his name was Aston.

He was the caring most loyal person I've dated at the time. He, of course, was one of the basketball players and all the girls wanted him but he stay by my side.

The first date he took me to my favorite place and had helped his mother with cooking my favorites.

I really miss him and I wonder how life's going for him. The only reason we had to break up was because I had to move away and we didn't feel comfortable with the long distance.

"Hey I'm back with the food" lili said in a calm voice coming to stand in front of me.

"Thank you" I whispered sitting up and taking the plate of food.

"I got you some water as well"

"Ok" I nodded watching as she sat it on the nightstand beside me. I began eating the food as lili walked over to the other side and sat down on the bed. "Is she gone"

"Yes. She left because she didn't want you to have another panic attack and feel uncomfortable. Not going to lie to you we tried making her stay well except Camila she wasn't near. We wanted y'all to talk it out"

"Talk it out? She almost killed the twins and Katy's father! She was gonna kill me! What's there to talk about! Constantly having nightmares because of her doing and you want us to talk it out?" I said as I began crying. "I'm scared of her. I fear she's gonna do what she said she'd do. I can't be alone with her. Do you not think of me and what I'd do? One of you bailed her out, without telling me, and brought her here! You don't care about me at all! Get out!...GET OUT!"

She let out a sigh as she got off the bed. At this point the tears wouldn't stop falling. No one cares, no one ever did. They just wanted to keep me sane.

Will someone really care about me? Love me enough? Am I enough for that?

Thinking of this made me cry more. I can never be happy. Even with people who I thought were my family.

Running away and never coming back can't be an options because of my lovely kids, I can't just leave them here with them and Madelaine.

I looked at the ring on my finger wondering why I can't take it off, why I haven't signed those divorce papers. 

Why couldn't I get it over with and finalize everything. Was it because I was scared of losing memories?

Her finding me at my lowest point? Her giving me a life when no one did? Her giving me and letting me have a child? I was pregnant with Michael child but he hurt me until I had a miscarriage. She let me see my parents safely and gave them a new home but they sadly moved back to hometown.

She gave me a more stable home. She gave me a car, my very own built dream house. She did a lot.

But there's bad things she also did to me. Things I want to forget but can't. The anger issues, denying her kid for three years, now the threats and the almost putting her hands on me.

My life is so fucked up and upsetting. I can never live a normal healthy relationship but who does? Never know behind closed doors.

I tired calming myself down by taking slow and deep breaths.

Positive thoughts. Positive thoughts.

After saying that in head a few times I finally calmed down. I put the plate of barely touched food on the nightstand before getting up.

I went into my bathroom to clean myself up and realized it's 9:18pm. I went back into my room and gather some pajamas and decided to take a shower.

Taking a steamy shower should help with my thoughts and of course my tense muscles.

After that long and stress relief shower I went to place the plate of food in the kitchen then say good night to the kids.

Just hearing their voices and them telling me they had a good time today put on smile on my face and forgetting all the worries for right now.

I walked back to my room and got in bed. Turning the tv on for some background noise and I fell asleep instantly.

Thoughts?
Updating again later or tomorrow:)