Spurt Of Love ʜ.s ғᴀɴғɪᴄ

•worlds change; when eyes meet•

I still remember the first time I met him.

I was at a local bar with my best friend Sarah, just chatting around my life and hers. I was never really interested in seeing anyone at the time knowing I had bad experience with men. I never would've been interested in anyone after what i had to go through. Maybe it was my taste or maybe it was just destined for me not to have a decent man in my life. At one point, i was 100% sure it was all because i was ugly and never "too attractive" for a man's liking.

I'm a curvy 20 year old who'd always found herself quite good enough to be honest. I never really doubted myself at all. Had my fair ways to "light up the room" as they say it.

Ofcourse I'm not a goddess. I don't have the perfect eyes or perfect skin or perfect hair but I've always known i'm not that ugly or not unworthy for someone's attention. No one is. Atleast that i believed. I had believed that maybe somewhere out there, there was someone for you and only for you but universe didn't leave a single chance to prove me wrong. Just knowing that men don't bother enough didn't suit me well with my ego. Afterall, I'm just a human.

Sometimes I wished to sit in someone's brain and know exactly what they have to say about me.

How exactly can you tell if it's real or not? And most importantly, how do you know it'll be over before it's too late? Before they'll rip a piece of your heart in seemingly billion pieces.

Maybe it was just me. Maybe they just saw me as an over attached bitch who expects too much. Maybe they'd given signs of dissatisfaction or disapproval and I was letting myself spend time in a mere lie. I'd say it was a dark time when I degraded myself for the way I looked and I'm confident enough to say that I didn't deserve that but at the end of the day who does right?

Ugh that's just confusing because i was confused and naive. I didn't know what i want. I just got along with what was being provided to me i took it. But when it stopped...

Either way, I've accepted the fact that no man was made for my oversensitive, way-too giving ass and I was okay with it. I was accepting and finding ways to enjoy my life with what i had. My studies and friends covered major part of my life and I was okay with it. I'd have to say, I was actually living as if men don't exist. As if I live with some extraterrestrial creature with pubes like hair on their faces and had different pitch of voice.

Ah, speaking of studies, I'm studying psychology. Now, in psychology we name it some depressive ass names like "denial" as a defense mechanism, "repression" or some shit but to be very honest, I don't mind that.

Either I was used to my depressive state or it's really not that big of a deal. We all have bad experiences and we all tend to live with it. It's not like I'm running away from men I'm just accepting no one is made for me and I'd rather not wait for that someone special to be born and call myself a pedophile or a cougar. So, better to just stick with it and get along. Right?

I got sick an tired and this is what i chose for myself. To live without possibilities because there were none.

Sarah has been one of my best friend for years now. Looking at her life I admit I'm kinda jealous because at the end of the day I'm just a human with humanly feelings and sentiments.

She's 5 years older than me, has a fiancé who's not going to lie isn't as Godly looking as her but still they look great together. You know when you see a couple you just go "damn! I mean I don't believe in soulmates but wow". Just by looking at them it's pretty evident it's that sort of thing with them.

But doesn't that shit go with every relation. Even if it's gonna end up where you bawl your eyes out and find yourself lying helplessly on an ICU bed? Isn't it always perfect at first?