Spurt Of Love ʜ.s ғᴀɴғɪᴄ

•Pull me out the train wreck•

TW: suicidal thoughts and attempt. Please skip the chapter if you don't feel comfortable reading it. Your health comes first.

"I can't do this anymore", I say to myself as I stand by the edge of the world I created for myself.
"This is all my fault. it has always been my fault. I'm worthless and I'm tired. I can't. Not anymore. Enough of this", I admit to myself saying it out loud as tears start rolling on my cheeks.

We all have told ourselves that we're worthless at some point of our life. But those are our demons eating us away as each thought erodes us from the inside. It takes alot to say it out loud and to admit that every chilling thought your brain screamed at you was all infact right.

Okay this isn't you Janelle. I think as i wipe my tears. You are not weak. How did I come to this point? what happened? What happened to the happy life you planned for yourself and....

I stop and smile as I remember the time I spent with him. I wore that same smile once again as I remember the moment when I thought this is it. This is my future. My life, my everything. This is my sunshine. I see a part of my soul as I looked him in his blue eyes. "It was all supposed to be alright. We were fine. We- How- God no- " I start stuttering on my words as I press my face in my hands and cry out loud. I remember his chilling cold words as he looked at me with disgust and said "you are nothing."

Maybe I am. Maybe I am nothing. He was right. He won and I lost. I had lost the first time I laid my eyes on him. This was just the way universe puts an end to things. It was just the formal firing file he signed with three words and threw it in my face to end everything. Everything I believed. Everything I longed for. Everything I planned. Everything.

I turn my face away from the cliff admitting my defeat. I can't even prepare myself to end it once and for all.

"I am a fuck up. I am.....nothing".

As I pull myself away from these thoughts to get more aware of my surroundings I see deep green eyes staring right at me. Face-to-face. Right there. Just like that night that caused it all over again. It's him! He's the reason why it's happening all over again. The doubts. Those sleepless nights. He's the one that's reminding me of what happened. I want it to fade away. I want myself to fade away. And yet here I am and there he is. Staring right at me as if laughing at my cowardice. As if he's daring me to do it but knows I can't. As if mocking me and finding amusement out of it.

I scream as loud as I can hoping to scare him off. Hoping he'd just fade away but he doesn't. He doesn't even flinch. Just stares at me reminding me that I've lost. I look at him with sad tearful eyes just as he grabs me from my arms and I gasp. Things start to slow down for a moment as he looks at me with the same look I saw that night. That same comfort as if telling me that it's fine. That i'm safe with him and that I have nothing to worry about. I close my eyes letting it all in and absorbing his energy of comfort as much as I can as I hear one small word in the same husky voice. "Sorry". But this time it was softer as if assuring me that he means it. He really does. I open my eyes one last time and the shock causes me to freeze in that moment for what seemed like forever. I see a glimpse of blue eyes. Those same blue eyes that caused me discomfort I felt for years, not finding a way to save myself out of this, not finding any cure to it as I hear him say "You are nothing" and with that, he pushes me off the cliff.

I pant with a loud whimper struggling to provide air in my lungs as much as I can, feeling as if I've been forced to stay underwater for hours. I run towards my dorm's bathroom to splash some water on my face as I realize that I'm back to reality. I look at myself in the mirror noticing the prominent dark circles around my eyes, hollow cheeks and a pale look on my face.

"It was just a dream Jane" I say to myself hoping the words would sooth all the pain away. I take one deep breath calming my nerves down and supplying a satisfied amount of air to my lungs so that they can get back to normal functioning after the sudden trauma they've been through. I look around my surroundings and realize that it's already morning. Seeing the beautiful straight rays of sunshine seeping through my dorm's bathroom window almost calms me down. Almost.

I allow myself to do my bathroom business. "Nature call" as my silly friend, Hazel likes to call it when we're in some conversation and she has to rush herself to the bathroom stretching her pinky out as if gesturing that she's going for number one and it'll be quick. I smile to myself for the first time this morning and it puts me in a good feeling. As even if there's a lot going on with me right but it'll be fine. I'll get through it. I always have.

I enter my room looking at the clock sitting on my side table and notice that I'm 5 minutes late from my first period. "Shit" I mumble under my breath and rush to find something wearable to wear knowing I'm in my 5 year old PJs without a bra. I don't have to time to put on some makeup so I just cross my fingers hoping less people notice me and rush out holding the strap of my bag pack. I walk quicker this time. My legs carrying me away as quick as possible as I reach my uni in 10 minutes.

As I'm walking towards my class I remember what happened yesterday. "Hazel's gonna kill me", I think to myself.

As I open the door to my class, everyone's eyes turn towards me including Ms. Stevens' who's my research teacher. Well, less of a teacher more of a bitch but that's a whole different topic.

"Wow" I say silently under my breath cursing myself for not putting on some makeup today. Wouldn't have taken long atleast it would've been better than a class of 80 people looking at you longer than they should. I keep my head low and pass Ms. Stevens' ignoring that she just addressed a sarcastic comment to me saying "glad you could finally join us miss. Sorry if we disturbed your little slumber". I shake my head slowly as I reach towards Hazel where she has a vacant seat for me like always.

"You're welcome. Atleast you don't have to stand there looking like a lost puppy to find a vacant seat", Hazel says.
"You're an angel", I say with adoration because as small of a trouble that could be, it's a real pain in the ass when you can't find a vacant seat.

"We need to talk", Hazel whispers in my ear with a stern voice.

"Yeah I take my words back. Not so angel anymore", I reply without looking at her but I notice she looks away and clenches her jaw.

She doesn't deserve this. I know she's worried about me and I know I can do better than this but I'm helpless. I can't control it. I can't control the voices in my head, my dreams or...or the thoughts about that mystery man. Why am I relapsing back just because of him? He's just someone I saw in the bar and now he's invading my dreams like I've known him forever when in reality I don't even know his name.

Who is he? Why is this happening to me after all these years? I was fine. I was...I was doing alright....I guess. I thought I was over it. But here we are. I don't expect talking to Hazel would save me or anything but it's my only chance now and as much as I know her, she is not letting me breathe another day without talking to her.

X

Hi hope you're doing fine. Don't forget to leave a star and comment your thoughts.
I know this chapter's a little sad and even depressing but I promise good things will come. Just bear with me for a while ;)
Love every single one of you take care stay healthy and happy I am here if you wanna talk about anything and I mean it <3