Hoe Tales

Vengeance

After Dean, I knew I had to change and I did. All the sadness in my heart had turned to rage: rage over everything that had happened to me. I was old enough to know that I was dirt poor, that I had been raped in my own home, that my family was against me and that the first man I trusted hurt me. I didn't deserve the things that happened in my life and I was out for vengeance.

My situation with Dean made me wonder about Mummy and Daddy's relationship. Naturally I had blamed Daddy all my life, but now that I understood heartbreak, things became more complicated and I started to understand him. I didn't forgive or condone what Daddy did, but I understood. It didn't help that I was beginning to hate Mummy. Our relationship was broken beyond repair. I couldn't lash out at the men that hurt me but I could lash out at her. After all, she was my mother and I felt like she should have protected me somehow. Eventually I built up the courage and asked Mummy about her and Daddy one night.

"Mummy yuh did gi Daddy bun fi true?"

She looked at me with horror, surprise, and then anger. I didn't expect her to be pleased with the question but if she were innocent, it shouldn't have been a big deal. She didn't answer, just turned her back and went back to cooking. She started to sing a gospel song under her breath and I don't know why, but in that instance it was like everything inside me overflowed.

"Suh a true den? At least now mi know weh Marcia get har ways dem!" The words came out before I could remember who I was and who I was talking to.

Mummy turned around and grabbed me by my shirt, "yuh know a who yaah talk to? Mi look like one a yuh fren dem?"

'Whap!' Her palm went flat across the side of my face. My ear rung from the impact and sound of her hand connecting to my cheek. She'd answered my question without having to speak. I was convinced that she had cheated, and it was her cheating that destroyed my life. I didn't hold my tongue, me and mummy argued like two grown women, but I never raised my hand at her. By the end of the argument I was covered in bruises, mummy was breathing heavy and several people stood up on the road infront of our house trying to hear our business. I packed my things that same night and left my grandparent's house. I knew Daddy wouldn't turn me away.

I blamed my mother for my leaving, I told her she was disgusting and a slew of other words that I don't want to repeat. The biggest regret I have was not being honest and telling her the source of my anger. If only she understood how much she had exposed me to when she made the decision to become unfaithful. If she even tried to understand me, see that I was trapped in my sadness and try to help, maybe my life would have been different.

My family didn't try to stop me from leaving. For months I had been disrespectful and aggressive towards them, no one could speak to me, and no one wanted to. Even if they had tried to get me to stay, I still would have left. There was something else, something no one knew, the real reason I was leaving.

After my break-up I made a vow to leave West Retreat. Me and Shamoya made plans to move to Port Antonio. We always discussed it growing up but with only months of school remaining it was now a real possibility. The country couldn't hold Shamoya, she wanted the finer things in life and I wanted to reinvent myself. That meant destroying everything that connected me to my past. Sham came from a family that was better off than mine and they were willing to help her, I had nothing and no one, but I knew I would find a way to get the money. I started prostituting about a month after things ended with Dean, as a means to save enough to leave the district. I was careful of hiding this from everyone, but hiding meant I ended up in all sorts of places. I wanted to live in a house that I could take men into. God knows I couldn't do that at my grandparent's house, but at Daddy's? The house was always empty and I would have my own room.