Hoe Tales

Not all That Glitters is Goldie

"God know," Fitzroy scratched his smoothe bare face. It took a funeral to get him to trim and without all the scruff he was a good-looking man. You couldn't tell that someone had broken his heart and left him jaded and alone, even more so now without Winston. "Mi waan him enuh, yeah man, mi waan him." He was grumbling to no one in particular. We were all grieving in our own way.

The loss of Winston brought my family together, we all shared sorrow. Mummy and Daddy hugged and held hands, Marcia looked at me with kindness and I even had her little baby girl calling me aunty. I could have gotten caught up in the magic of it all, but life didn't stop for sorrow. Fitzroy would leave, Mummy and Daddy would go back to hating each other and I would remain the whore.

"Detta, yaah guh alright?" Fitzroy and I separated from the pack.

I shrugged, I supposed I would be fine. What other option did I have?

"Winston did call yuh? Mi neva waah gi him yuh numba, but him beg mi."

I shook my head yes

"Ok suh him ask yuh fi di ting den?" Fitzroy pressed.

Once again I shook my head yes.

"Bwoy mi nuh know how mi aguh manage, but mi aguh mek back the money weh yuh len him. Yuh nah fi worry"

I was puzzled.

"A some wicked set a man dem enuh, yaah guh tell mi seh the man pay dem dem money and them still murda him? Fi dem day man, it mus come."

I couldn't say anything, from what I was piecing together Fitzroy was convinced that I had loaned Winston the money. I didn't dare tell him the truth, the wound was way too fresh.

After the funeral I wanted to be left alone. I didn't want to love or care for anyone; I didn't want anyone to love or care for me. I put my phone on silent, I went to work and went straight home. If you needed me, you had to come and see me and even that guaranteed you nothing. I had excuses for everything. If you wanted to go to the beach, I was on my period, if you wanted to go to a party, my migraine was acting up. I was prepared and ready to turn my back on the world.

I was hit with depression like I had never felt. It was a struggle to bathe, to comb my hair, to eat. I was in serious danger of having a mental breakdown and ending up in the hospital, or even worst, on the corner of CIBC with the rest of the crazy people. I needed help.

Help came in the form of Wray and his Nephews. I didn't mean to start to drinking though, did anyone? In my neglect of myself and my life, I ended up without food or soft drinks but I still had a full shelf of alcohol. It was easier for me to have a drink and go to bed than it was for me to get up, get ready, go into the town and get something to eat.

On my empty stomach the rum was crack cocaine. It fired up my body making me feel alive. I had more energy than I had in weeks, I was dancing to the music in my head. Saying my thoughts out loud and laughing at the jokes of life. I had a false sense of calm and happiness so long as there was alcohol in my system.

Alcohol was a bandaid on my cut when what I needed was stiches; I was bleeding out and didn't even know it. Every time the 'bandaid' fell off I would slap it back on. I didn't only want to be happy when I was alone at home. I wanted to laugh at jokes again, I wanted to get caught up in gossip, I wanted to socialize. Rum was my ticket back into normalcy. I went from avoiding Sham, to inviting myself out with her.

I tried and failed to separate O and Sham. She was too good for him in some ways and not good enough in others. They were very incompatible, but logic couldn't override O's attraction to Sham's looks or Sham's attraction to O's pocket. In essence they deserved each other, they were both seeking partners for all the wrong reasons.