Hoe Tales

The Beginning of The End

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. I knew I wanted to change but it wasn't as easy as leaving a parish. Change had to begin within, and all I did was change my address. I came to Portland with the same sense of anger, entitlement and selfishness I held in Kingston.

Lee was happy, of course. I was becoming the type of woman that he could oversee and control. I was living in an apartment paid for by him, driving a Toyota that was bought by him, buying groceries with the money he sent and best of all, I had no where to go. It turned out that Lee only loved me the way I was when I was his whore, as his woman? I had a whole new set of rules to abide by.

I gave up on having any form of night life, but then it was easy, apart from Roof Club there wasn't very much to do in Port Antonio. I didn't wear short dresses anymore and I didn't sell myself. Goldie was gone and a new decent young woman took her place. Or tried to.

I was a good girlfriend but I couldn't bring myself to being a good daughter or sister. I knew it would only be a matter of time before I would see my family so I bit the bullet and went to see them just days after my arrival back. I wish I could say blood is thicker than water and we all reunited, but that was not the case.

"But watch yah! Mummy come look here!"

Marcia had a baby girl on her lap and her son at her leg. Nothing had changed, they still lived in the small board house and I couldn't believe the state of the place. The board was eating away, the zinc had visible holes and if you stepped hard enough I'm sure you could fall right through the floor. It had always been that way but it's hard to notice how bad a situation is when you are in the middle of it. I was seeing my childhood home with new eyes.

"What is it? What is it?!" Mummy came out of her room, she was unsteady and was walking with a limp, she even had a stick. Every step seemed to drain her energy.

Seeing her hit me hard. I had only been gone for two years. When I left, mummy was strong enough to beat me, cook dinner and pack to go to Coronation. Now just walking seemed painful. She was way too young to move like that.

"But see yah, weh yah do yah?" Mummy didn't seem angry, she seemed genuinely surprised.

"Mi deh back pan this side." I couldn't even look her in the face.

"Oh?" Marcia still held resentments against me, I could hear it in her voice. "Coulda swear think yuh dead, nobody nuh hear from yuh, all when mummy did sick."

I couldn't say anything. I knew mummy was sick some months prior but what was I supposed to do? I wasn't a doctor.

"Hello, mek she know we don't have no space fi har." My grandfather stared at me with disgust.

"Wilburt shut up man! Yuh nuh see the pickney right deh suh, yuh just don't know when fi stop talk." My grandmother was whispering but the house was too clustered for secrets.

"Don't tell mi fi shut up! You figot how this little retched gyal stay? Yuh try come out a mi house." He was talking directly to me now "yuh think mi nuh know bout you an yuh dutty lifestyle? You not staying in this house! Mi done talk."

God knows I tried to be good.

"Yuh think mi waah come back inna dis? Look pan me and look pan you, mi look like mi affi fi live inna no rotten dung bode house?"

"Then leff!" Marcia stood up with the baby.

"Why yuh come up here Claudette?" Mummy looked frustrated and tired

Why did I come? What was I hoping for?

"Mi just come fi seh hello and fi gi yuh a money." I reached into my pocket. I had $25,000 and I knew it wouldn't undo everything I had ever done or said, but it was a start.