Spartan OC Red vs Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles (On Hiatus)

Human Peer Bonding

Fade in to Tucker on top of Blue Base.

Tucker: Let me get this straight... You're telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose, and beat the hell out of the Reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick? And, on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?

Church: In a nutshell, yes. That's an excellent summary.

Caboose: I should have known... She didn't like me... Girls never like me.

Tucker: Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you.

Caboose: I like me...

Tucker: I don't think I've seen a girl that mean before. Are you sure she's a chick? And not a guy? Or like, part guy part shark?

Church: I'm pretty sure I'd know if Tex was a guy. And I'm definitely sure I would know if she was part shark.

Caboose: Wait, oh wait, oh wait. If she's a girl, then why is she named Tex?

Church: Uh... because she's from Texas.

Caboose: ...

Church: Trust me, it makes sense. And you can't blame her for being so aggressive. It's not entirely her fault to begin with.

Tucker: Right. You should blame God. First he makes hangovers, and now, half women, half sharks that won't even sleep with me. Thanks for nothing, God!

Church: Will you shut up with that? She got recruited into some kind of weird experimental program back during basic where they infused her armor with this really aggressive A.I. I'm not really sure how it all works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than hell.

Caboose: A.I... What's the A stand for?

Church: Artificial.

Caboose: ...What's the I-

Church: (interrupts) Intelligence.

Caboose: Ooohhhhhhhhh what was the A again?

Church: Let's move on.

Tucker: So, the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer, but underneath it all she's really just a sweet, down-home girl?

Church: Oh hell no. She's always been a rotten bitch. It's just now she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements.

Tucker: Wow. Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one. Good catch there, buddy. She's a keeper.

Church: So how're you doing, Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?

Caboose: I think so... That guy Tex is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot!

Church: Yeah... that's right... I'm a gay robot.

Cut to Matt, Grif and Simmons holding Tex at gunpoint.