The Angel of Death (18+)

Chapter 27: Damned

My heart wasn't beating.

I strain my ears to listen for any sign of rhythmic beating inside of me chest, but I hear nothing.

I zone out inside of my own mind, reeling over every possible explanation for how this was even real. I pay no mind to the steaming hot cup of tea next to me, nor the gentle yet fierce look in Lorcan's eyes.

He hasn't left my bedside ever since we got back from the very much failed mission. I haven't spoken since I said those damning words out into the world.

I keep my gaze locked onto the open city of Velaris, I can sense the unease rolling off of Lorcan. It's an entity in of itself. I haven't looked him straight in the eye ever since I broke down on him.

"Mara you need to eat." A command.

I'm sick of commands.

I ignore the order and keep my gaze away from him, I feel nothing, truly nothing now.

It's as if every emotion that defined humanity died along with my heart. I overheard them all talking about what happened, interrogating Lorcan.

A strong grip on my chin pulls my eyes to him, forcing me to stare into his eyes.

"You. Need. To. Eat." Each word more pronounced as if I couldn't understand what he was saying, but I could perfectly well. I just didn't care.

"No." I whisper, knowing those two letters would be enough to either make him angry or give up. I hoped it would be to make him give up.

I don't know why he still tries, there's no point anymore. I've already died once and I'm somehow alive again.

I replay what the other version of me said over and over inside of my head.

Or how my true name or parents weren't what I thought they were.

This entire thing is a mess.

A heavy sigh of frustration brings me back to the present, Lorcan gets up hastily and walks away.

He stops just before he's about to open my door and turns back to me, a new look in his eyes. "No. You are not pushing me away this time."

Just great.

If he wants a fight, that's what he'll get.

I get out of bed too, standing up to every inch that I am and let that cool mask of uncaring slide into place.

"Yes. Get out. I don't want you here, I don't even like you." Nothing I say affects him. But I know what I will say next will.

"You are the reason I died." And I smile, letting none of the true feelings show on my face.

At this I see everything rush across his face, pain, anger, betrayal, and for what seems to be real regret.

Like Lorcan Salvataerre regrets anything.

I begin laughing, it unnerves me but everything is almost hilarious. I've lost everyone I've ever cared for, and I'm not even sure if they were my real parents. I've been assaulted multiple times, I've lost the will to be alive, and then there's the small fact that I actually did die.

He looks to me baffled at my outrageous laughter, "I have lost everything, Lorcan. I have-" sobs choke my throat, cutting off my words. I put a hand on my chest and the other to my mouth to stop the oncoming crying. My eyes drop to the floor, trying my best to stop the overflow of the tears.

"I have nothing!" I shout, I can't control it anymore. My knees drop out from under me and I fall to the floor, I double over sobbing into the air, wishing I were never born.

I hear Lorcan's footsteps approach me quickly, and I put a hand out to stop him.

"No. Don't." I tell him.

He stops, "Mara, whatever you're doing. Stop. Otherwise you're going to bring the whole place down." I look around noticing the now shaking foundations of my room. I didn't even know I was doing anything. I search inside of myself to find the well of power, I've become used to searching for it that it doesn't take long to find it.

Except I'm not doing anything, well consciously at least. I take a deep breath to settle my nerves and notice the shaking stops. I look up to find Lorcan sitting across from me on the floor, a sad expression on his face.

"Go away." I mumble.

"No. Stop saying that, because I never will." He says to me, as if declaring it to the world to hear and not just for the two of us in the this room.

I half laugh and cry at that, "Oh please, everyone that's ever said that to me is dead. I'm better off alone, in case you haven't noticed." I'm leaving soon anyways, I have to leave this place. I can't take it here anymore, everyone has someone and I have no one, they're all so happy and I'm so sad. More than sad, defeated.

"Mara, you're not-" I cut him off, done with this, with everything, "Lorcan! Just stop! You don't get it, you have these people. Your friends! If not friends then acquaintances at least. But me? I'm alone!"

He begins to speak but before he can say anything that will only make this harder, I continue, "No! You don't get to say anything right now." I'd bet my life that no one has ever said that to the warrior fae, "I hate it here. I don't fit in, I have no one to tell-" I stop myself before I tell him too much.

I look up to meet his stare and see the pained expression behind the mask he's put on, I get up and walk over to the open wall in my room and scream.

I scream my rage, my unjust life out of my lungs.

The city goes silent, the birds in the distance stop their chirps and the river stops streaming, the world waits to see if I will rip it apart.

But I have nothing left.

I turn back around to deliver the last blow, sealing my way out of here, "Why do you even care?"

Lorcan rose to the bait just like I knew he would, "I don't. Die for all I care, hell you should've died permanently." He regrets it the second he let the words out.

Good.

I walk past him, giving a healthy distance between us as I do. I stop just before I leave the room to say my final words to him, "I never want to see you again. The next time I do, I won't hesitate to stop what I started in the training arena. You will die."

I don't bother to hear his response when I leave.

——————————

"Mara think about this, just please." Feyre begs me, trying to stop me from leaving the house.

"No, I've made up my mind. I don't belong here Feyre."

"You do, I swear it to you. You can't leave. We want and need you here." She tries again, I try to sidestep her to get through the door but it yet again, she gets in front of me. Damn her training with the Inner Circle.

"No. And it's final. You have Rhys, Cassian has Nesta, you all have each other. That's the point. I don't fit in here. Now let me go." I just need to leave. It hurts too much to be here now.

"Where will you go?" Feyre asks me. To be honest I don't know the answer, but as long as it's not here, I don't care.

"Somewhere. And don't you dare try and track me. I'll know." She lets out a deep sigh of frustration, I need her to give up soon before anyone gets back.

"Just please. Mara." I've come to actually like Feyre, she's kind and generous and tries for the right things. If I allowed myself to get close to anyone, I'd love to be friends with her.

"Goodbye, Feyre. I wish you the best in everything." With that final goodbye, I pat her shoulder as I pass her by and go straight out the door.

I look back, just to let myself see the beautiful city one time before I left. I ingrain the sight into my brain, wondering if one day I'll ever be back.

Or if I'll be long dead by then.