lovesick || r. lupin

³⁸shouting match

The dorm room was eerily quiet as Sirius shuffled through his potions textbook. Peter sorted his sweets he got at Hogsmeade, clicking his tongue every so often and James leaned against the desk that Sirius was using, silently pointing out the answers to whatever the boy was working on. Remus merely laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling. 

The scarred boy couldn't think of much else other than Ayla; about their altercation, his feelings for her, his desire to be normal because if he was, he could stop this madness and be happy with her. It felt like the pit in his stomach could only grow, getting clogged up like a shower drain, leaving polluted water and mucked up soap suds. Honestly, the only person he wanted to talk to right now was his mum. But he knew he couldn't do that. 

"Moony," James called. Remus moved up onto his elbows, looking over to his friend. Sirius' eyes were glued to his parchment and James looked at his knuckles that rested on the desk. Remus's gut gave a jolt. 

"Yeah?" Remus croaked. 

James cleared his throat. "You haven't talked much to Ayla, have you?"

Remus frowned, shifting from his position. "No."

Silence followed. Tension followed. Remus supposed that James had expected him to say more. He wasn't going to. He didn't want to. So he stayed quiet.

"Well," James started, giving a glance to Sirius who was continuing to stare at his parchment, "are you?"

Remus fiddled with his duvet. "Am I what?"

At that, Sirius's head inched to the side. Peter stopped sorting his sweets. James turned to look at Remus. 

"Are you-?" James stopped and let out a huff. "You know what I'm asking, mate."

Remus tightened his jaw and ignored what he said. He didn't want to have to explain everything again. He was sick of it. He wanted to move on from the situation and he cursed that he ever told the other Marauders about it. It made avoiding much harder.

"Remus," James demanded. All the heads in the room snapped to Prongs. More silence followed. 

James huffed again, stepping away from the desk and running his hands through his hair. "Seriously. Are you going to talk with Ayla? You can't keep running away from this. It's not only hurting you."

Remus bit his thumb nail and his cheeks flushed red. "For the millionth time, Prongs, I'm not talking to her about this."

"But why? You're not five years old anymore. You're being immature."

"I don't know why you're so obsessed with this stupid situation? It doesn't matter. You know why I can't talk to her about it and you're blatantly ignoring me," Remus snapped. He was starting to get a headache from furrowing his brow so hard and his legs twitched to rush out the dorm rooms door. "Honestly, it seems like you're more worried about her than you are me."

James rolled his eyes, "You know that's not true."

Remus scoffed, "Then why do you keep bagging on me about her?"

"Because you're being an arse!"

"Because I'm being an arse?! It's like you're oblivious!"

James stomped over to Remus's bed, "What do you mean by that?!"

Peter shrunk down from where he sat, rushing to put away his sweets as Sirius stood from his chair. The hostility was nearly tangible in the air that they all breathed.

Remus shot from his bed, chest to chest, nose to nose. If he really wanted to, Remus could push James over just by moving an inch forward. He didn't though. Instead, he let his cold anger seep out into his words. "You have no idea how it feels to be a monster. You have no idea how it feels to hate yourself with so much intensity that it's blinding. You can't understand because you're fucking James Potter with his stupid perfect parents and stupid perfect Quidditch captain pin and his stupid perfect life where he doesn't have to worry about a single thing! You're just a privileged little toff!"