I woke up the next morning with a huge headache and I suddenly had the urge to puke. I pushed myself off the bed but as soon as I got up on my legs I collapsed. The urge to puke went away and I just laid on the floor. Alex looked over the edge of the bed
A - are you ok
Y - I think so
He got out of the bed in his boxers
A - that probably hurt considering you don't have any clothes on
I looked down and saw I was fully naked but I didn't care my head hurt so bad
Y - help me up
He pulled me up so I got in bed again and covered myself
Y - can you bring me some tylenol
A - yeah I'll be right back
He left then came back with the Tylenol so I took one. He started dancing while watching me making me laugh
A - I think I'm gonna go get another tattoo today do you wanna come
Y - not really
A - would you be fine if I left you here with Jazz
Y - probably just bring her over here first
A - ok
He went to her room and brought her still asleep. I laid her next to me
A - I'm gonna get dressed
Y - ok
I turned on the TV and put on sponge Bob then went on my phone. He got dressed into this⬇⬇⬇
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Then kissed my forehead
A - call me if you need anything
Y - wait before you go can you massage my legs
A - yeah
He uncovered my legs and left the rest of the blanket on me. He massaged my legs for a bit until I felt a little better
A - ok bye baby I love you
Y - bye love you too
He left and I continued scrolling through my phone. I saw memories from 2 years ago when I was at my worst. I would smoke, drink, abuse myself in anyway I could. Then I saw pictures of me and my dad hugging and laughing. To think I thought he actually loved and cared for us. I started crying thinking about that then Jazzlyn started crying I guess I woke her up. I grabbed her then stood up but froze because of the pain in my legs
Y - ow fuck shit
I started rocking her in pain but she wouldn't stop. I thought maybe she was hungry so I laid her down on the bed again still crying
Y - I know princess I'll get your bottle just give me a second
I put on underwear and a shirt then ran as fast as I could to the kitchen to make her a bottle. I spilt water on the counter but I didn't care. I was gonna warm it up but at this point she was screaming. I went back to the room and picked her up. I tried to give her the bottle and she wouldn't take it
Y - *whines* Jazzlyn come on
She wouldn't take it and I didn't know what to do. I thought about calling Alex then I also thought I didn't want to interrupt him. I just laid her on the bed and she kept crying like crazy
Y - JAZZLYN WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?!
She stopped crying then continued right after. I gave up and started crying too. This mom thing is hard like I knew it wouldn't be easy but this is hard. Sometimes I think I'm not cut out to be a mom and I shouldn't have even had her. I know I couldn't have done that to her she doesn't deserve it. Now I feel bad for yelling at her but she doesn't understand. I laid next to her and kept crying thinking about a lot of this. I felt this darkness take over me the same one that did before. All of these thoughts that shouldn't be here kept flowing through my head. I couldn't fight the feeling and I just need something to take away everything. I hated when this would happen because I can't do anything about it just like last time
*flashback*
I was laying in the bed and Alex had his arms wrapped around my waist from behind. I felt him kiss my shoulder as I was crying
A - don't cry baby everything is ok
*end of flashback*
(⚠TW⚠ self harm)
I couldn't take it anymore so I just got up and went to the bathroom. I looked for something sharp and saw my razor. I brought it to my wrist and hesitated but then did it right away. I kept cutting and crying not thinking about anything else. I did my wrist, my legs, my ankles, my stomach,my thighs. After I felt exhausted I put the razor down and tried catching my breath. I couldn't cry anymore so I just crawled into the shower and put it all the way hot. Feeling the water burning my skin wasn't so bad I guess. I saw the blood flowing in the water and down the drain. I stayed in the tub for awhile then took my clothes off and got out. I wrapped a towel around me and went back to the room. Jazzlyn was laying down asleep on the bed which was a relief. I put on underwear and a bra which hurt so bad but I didn't care. I put on Alex's blue Nike hoodie that still smelt like him and my red plad pajama pants. I scoot Jazz over and laid with her. We fell asleep again until I felt someone kissing my face. I opened my eyes and saw Alex
A - hey beautiful why are you still asleep its 5 in the afternoon
Y - I'm very tired I guess
A - did you eat
Y - mhm
Lies
A - well I got some crumble cookies because I kept seeing them on my for you page
Y - mmm
A - what's wrong
Y - nothing
A - ok then
He kissed my cheek
A - Jazzlyn is looking at you
I looked at her and saw her staring at me. I was still thinking about how I yelled at her. I feel so bad
A - did she eat
Oh fuck she hasn't eaten
Y - she doesn't want to eat maybe now she will can you give me the bottle
I sat up and grabbed Jazz. Alex gave me the bottle and I put it in her mouth. She started drinking it right away
