The Nerd Has A Boner 2: Summer Deeds

Chapter Thirteen

"Insecurity holds a lot of room for doubt and assumption. If you think about risking everything you love for it because it gives you comfort. Would you do it?"-Anonymous

Oliver Richardson

I head to work after leaving Sarah's place. She let her eyes rest after putting up a fight for so long. When she sleeps, her face is so peaceful. My heart beats faster because of it.

On the other hand, I did not get any sleep. My body was holding the most beautiful person sleeping. The thought of her doubts left me awake. Sarah loves me. You can tell in her eyes that she couldn't do long distance. The last time she had an attack, she ran from me. It was too much for her to accept. It scared her. Sarah doesn't run and it makes her attacks able to handle. She's also stopped harming herself.

I have come to realize that it's more often I am at her service. Sarah always says she will try and do better for her own sake. It's starting to become her favorite line. I try not to press sensitive topics further but, it irritates me that she's not trying to be strong on her own.

When we are apart, nobody will be there if she makes the wrong choice. She might drink and get hurt or, someone tries something like Juliet. The time I picked her up high was cutting the second straw.

Now there is one straw remaining in a field of no return. There is a lot that can go wrong. I don't think she wants to face that reality. That's why Sarah seeks me. I'm in her best interest whenever a situation gets too difficult for her.

I'm proud to be her boyfriend but not her illusion. The moments where I'm sacrificing my time because I don't want her to be alone. It makes me pity myself. Being alone is all that I knew in the orphanage and still did before I met her.

Sarah's broken cries or choked sobs hit me hard. So when she says, "Oliver, I can't do this anymore." I haul my ass into my truck and drive over there to tell her that everything will be okay. I don't want to admit that it's too much because I'm going back on my word. I'm feeling her hurting now.

My Mama stayed awake every summer night to watch her nineties movies. That meant she's seen me leave every single time. Last night, she said, "Again? That relationship is becoming a lot for you. It isn't any of my business though because you will be moving out of this house. Right now, you live here with a job and in a house, I pay for. Do you rather go to her place?
Think of your priorities. That girl is not worth it. She's just using you," she apprises. Yet, I still left.

I wanted to say that I loved Sarah, over and over again, to hear her say it. The word that is more than a word is a better way of saying that you're attracted to their personality more than anything. Hearing my step-father is out of jail was just a flare-up for Sarah and my reassurance was the end of the conversation.

There wasn't any "Don't let it drag you down."

Instead, I was the one to say it. I was the one from the start. Could it be that she's selfish? Am I not enough? I have doubts now. Every once in a while couldn't hurt for her to help herself so I don't feel like my problems are bigger than it is. Maybe, it is. I don't fucking know anymore. I hope I never get angry at her. She is independent. Sarah can be strong on her own it's just that she isn't willing to try mentally.

We are growing up. After college, we'll have to provide for ourselves. The time is shortening for us to still do the things we enjoy without worry. Maybe, I'm worrying too much. I feel like I am not getting as much as I give her. I don't know what I'm feeling.

The shoe store's lights come on from the back room. I walk to the front again to flip the sign and turn on everything else. The cash register customers use for signing their signature turns on.