The Nerd Has A Boner 2: Summer Deeds

Chapter Fifteen

"Never use people as a shield for your problems. It'll only further you from them and the problem you've yet to take on."-Anonymous

Sarah Hill

Oliver's yelling is now registering. He's calling me selfish because I don't show him enough attention.

"Oliver, you are acting immature and loud. Max is watching from upstairs. Can we go to my room and talk this out?" I ask with my voice croaking.

My face turns red, feeling humiliated. Oliver pulls his hair back roughly. He then pulls at his tee before nodding. I walk up to the front door and put the key through. I turn the knob and open it. Nobody is downstairs. Oliver closes the door. Max comes rushing down the stairs.

"Dad went to the bank then the library. He left me in charge," he says. His dinosaur button-up shirt and black shorts are his favorite. Max only wears it when he's left home alone.

"Why were you yelling at Sarah?" Max diverts his question to Oliver. He looks at me and back at Max.

"Nothing, we're just debating about what we should..get..you for your birthday," Oliver finishes. Max eyes him skeptically before smiling.

"I know. It's a hard choice but make up your mind," Max throws his hand to the side dramatically. We nod at him and head to my room. The argument continued right where we left it.

Only this time, we tried not to let Max overhear. "I'm immature? Sarah, I have been feeling insecure lately. It's about us. This relationship. I don't know if w-we will...make it through college being apart. You're so dependent on me that it's dragging us down. I won't be at your beck and call in college. We'll both have priorities. If you try and handle them, I'll go the rest of the way with you."

Oliver does have a point. I shouldn't get attached to having him help me with every problem that happens. I'm dragging him down. I'm a liability, problem, burden. That's what my rational brain is thinking. The un-rational side doesn't want this argument to end on a good note. All it wants is chaos.

Guess who won. The un-rational side. I put my hand on my hip and distance myself from Oliver. He eyes me up and down. His wrath from earlier has diminished.

"I can handle myself just fine, Oliver. Who do you think you are to tell me that I don't handle problems on my own? I survived fine with no parents and before I knew you! I'm a burden, I get it. I'm sick of myself too! If you want to break up then, why don't you just say that?" I ask accusingly. His confusion falters and, a gloomy look follows. I feel a teardrop on the ground between our two feet.

"Break up? Is that what you want? I just risked my job over some of your stupid enemies," Oliver's eyes well up with tears. He looks in the other direction from me. Damn it, way to go. I'm only hurting him.

"I don't know what I want, Oliver. No, I don't want to break up with you but if I'm too much then it's better that way. I want you to know that all I have done is listen to you. Your poems, talking," I bicker back.

"N-No, you haven't heard me. I just wanted to tell you how I have been feeling lately. Why are you doing that? You turn my words around. I want you to listen. Not just by having sex or when you need me. I need to hear you say that you love me because you barely give me attention or reassure me," A tear trickles down his face. Oliver's jaw is tight and clenched.

A heavy dread piles on top of me, one after the other. I made him cry. I made my boyfriend cry over my stupidity and lack of realization. The train of my thoughts break, Oliver's crying shakes his stance. Oliver wants to feel like this relationship is real. I haven't been showing him that.

Rather, I continue to demand it from him. We've never talked like this before. A hurtful conversation that leads one guilty and the other wounded. It's not foreign anymore. I guess you can say it is how we see ourselves as who we are. When someone points out how you truly act, it hurts.