My Mistake ⌲ River Phoenix

9; that night i watched you walk

Today, my plan was to finish packing and head back home for Christmas. I wasn't fully moving unless I knew being with River was what I actually wanted... and if he still wanted me. It has been over a month since we last spoke - and I've been busy. It's not easy flying back and forth from Europe to America, so I had to sell my paintings to scrounge up some extra cash for a plane ticket for Christmas.

Throughout the last month, though, Olivier and I have become closer than ever. He showed me tips and tricks about making a life in Paris, as well as gave me secret discounts at the art store. He was my only friend in this city - and don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for him, but I miss the feeling Rio gave me more than anything.

I also made a pact with Olivier a month ago that he could come with me on my next trip back to Florida. So, here we are, sitting together in a plane, playing thumb wars to pass the time. And, I will admit, it was cute watching him point at all the pretty clouds we flew over.

Carmen picked us up at the airport. She wore a gray University of Florida sweatshirt with a quilted white skirt. When she looked at me she smiled, but when she looked at Olivier her blue eyes widened.

"This must be the infamous Ollie," She greeted impishly, and he picked up her shaky hand and brought it up to his lips to kiss it.

"The pleasure is all mine," He smiled at her. She chuckled at that.

"Come on, let's go home!" She exclaimed. She was unusually giddy - it was odd.

~

When we arrived back at our tiny apartment, I was immediately greeted by the smell of weed. It was almost unbearable. I immediately walked to the bathroom to find lines of coke on the sink-top. I shook my head, thinking about how fucked up Carmen probably got every night I wasn't there.

"Carm, why do you do this to yourself?" As I looked up at her squinting eyes. She ignored my question and started playing Madonna's "Crazy For You" on the record player. I slumped onto the couch and watched as Olivier started doing the tango with Carm, him singing the lyrics out loud.

I'm crazy for you
Touch me once and you'll know it's true
I never wanted anyone like this
It's all brand new
You'll feel it in my kiss
I'm crazy for you, crazy for you

I picked at the cuffs of my blue sweater, waiting anxiously that I would see his face again. What if he lost interest in me? What if, after all this time, he moved on to someone else? What if I was too late to finally have a love of my own...

"Are you guys hungry?" Carmen asked through a fit of laughs amongst her spontaneous dancing. Olivier and I both nodded. "Hardback it is." Olivier winked at me, and I hated it. I hated how much he knew about me. He knew how hopelessly in love I had become with Rio. And the worst part of it all, is that I didn't even have to tell him.

Once we had parked at the front of the cafe, I stood and stared for a while. It was almost bittersweet coming back to the place I once worked at on a daily basis. When we entered, I frantically looked around for Rio, feeling my palms sweat.

"Oh, where is loverboy?" Olivier shouted and I gave him a sharp nudge - hoping to shut him up. The last thing I needed was for the whole world to know Amoreena Webb was capable of having emotion.

"I don't see him-" Carmen muttered, soon being interrupted.

"See who?" It was Asher. His hair was longer - eyes sadder.

"Asher!" I gave him a quick hug and he smiled at me - he had a tiny gap between his two front teeth - a type of Elton John undeniable charm.

"Gainsville's missed ya a lot, Reena."

"Yeah, right," I scoffed in disbelief - its not like I ever made any real friends here. He leaned on the wall next to me.

"River has missed you more though. The weeks after you left he always came up to the bar and asked when you'll be back. You know, he's been watching Carm as you asked him to... However, I think they just get fucking high together," he let out a loud laugh and I pursed my lips. I didn't like hearing that. Rio was supposed to not let her relapse. I looked over at Carm who was in the moshpit while the next band played their song on the stage.

The group and I had stayed at the cafe for a few more hours looking for Rio, but he never came in. I remembered how he told me he would wait for me. I guess that was a lie. Carm and Olivier both headed back home for an early night, but I stood at the bar with Asher, hoping he would show up.

"He's probably on tour - or shooting a movie," Asher stated abruptly - obviously seeing something in me I never told him.

"Huh?"

"I know you came back for him." I looked up at him curiously.

"Maybe I just missed working with my best friend, Asher," I said in a lighthearted tone. He chuckled.

"You only talk to me so I can pour you drinks for free." I scoffed playfully.

"Well, you only talk to me to get to Carmen." Once I had said that I watched the color drain from his face. Any time I brought their names up to the other things always went awry. He walked down to the end of the bar and started making a drink for a customer. That's when I knew I was just self-destructing and decided to head back home.

As I walked back, It started pouring outside. I felt like a fool in the rain - to ever believe I was capable of giving and receiving love. I trudged down the walkway back to my apartment.

~

A few days later, I stood at my emerald-painted window from my room. It didn't have a balcony like my apartment in Paris, but it was the window I grew up looking out of. It was the first thing I ever painted. The weather was cold and foggy - and there were a few days before Christmas. Maybe he'd show up then.

I walked out of my room to see Olivier and Carm in the living room painting each other's nails and giving each other makeovers. It made me smile to myself. Maybe Carm had finally found someone to just be her friend and remind her of the finer things in life that aren't sex or drugs.

"Are thou on thy noble quest to find thy elusive River Phoenix?" Carmen slurred - she was obviously drunk, again. Olivier burst into a fit of laughter after he heard that. I don't think his predominantly French-speaking brain could comprehend any of that.

I hated knowing that Olivier, Asher, and Carmen now knew about my unrequited feelings for a famous actor and musician. However, before I could think, I heard a knock at the door. I walked up and opened it - only to be welcomed by the bright, glowing pair of green eyes that I couldn't stop thinking about.

"Rio..." I looked up at him meekly. He wore the same wool-knit sweater I always saw him in. I glanced back at Carm and Olivier to see them exchanging wide-eyed glances.

"Can we talk, Amoreena?" I nodded and he grazed his hand on my back - leading me outside into the foggy air, shutting the door behind him.

"I wanted to let you know, I found someone. I owe you the truth because I respect you so much," he finally said, his voice beginning to crack. I stood there sucking in my cheeks - scared to hear the dreaded words.

"You said you'd wait for me," I said sheepishly, regretting almost immediately that I became vulnerable with him.

"It was a few nights ago... You came to the Hardback. I saw you through the window so excited to see you, but then you showed up with this other guy... that night I watched you walk home in the rain." My face suddenly overcame with confusion. I decided then my walls were going to never come down again. "I couldn't keep waiting for you."

"Who is the lucky girl?" I asked, holding back tears I've never cried.

"She goes to school down here in Gainesville," he said, smirking to himself. I looked down at his quivering hands, remembering how tight his grasp was on my sweater that night when he pleaded for me to stay.

"I've got to go, Rio," I said sharply, trying with every ounce of my body to not scream and cry right then and there. I walked back up the stairs and burst through the door - straight to my room, collapsing on my unkempt bed.