My Mistake ⌲ River Phoenix

13; i'm tired of listening for a whisper through

As the days passed, I contemplated over the fact that maybe Rio and I weren't meant to be. It felt hard to finally get something back - only to lose it again.

However, when we think of "meant to be," we automatically assume forever. But maybe it isn't supposed to last forever. Maybe it's just someone who is in your life to teach you something. Maybe the forever is not the person, but what we gain from them.

I sat and thought about that fateful night a lot. They say the worst feeling in the world is the moment you feel that ache in your chest, that undeniable throbbing pain in your ribcage: heartbreak. But, they're wrong. The true worst feeling in the world is when you know someone doesn't love you back, but they haven't told you yet. It's when they haven't confirmed the fact that your love is unrequited, but you know it is... I just know that is the only worse feeling than heartbreak itself.

I sat on my disheveled bed watching out the window of this windy night. I rested my head on Olivier's shoulder who had sat there with me.

"Mon chéri, Amour, I'm so sorry. Men are a waste of time... believe me, I would know," he chuckled to himself - obviously trying to lighten the mood.

"It's okay, Olly," I muttered as I averted my eyes down to the floor. "I can never see myself settling down like that... especially with a huge movie star."

"I don't think that mattered much to him when he was with you. I think you made him feel the least bit of normalcy." When Olivier said that, I nodded. "Is there a reason why you couldn't love him back?"

"No... I mean, it's not that I don't, I don't know," I stammered - practically at a loss for words. It was hard to ever piece together any of my 'emotions'. It was hard to feel at all. "I just wish he could know how he makes me feel... that would make him stay, right?" I looked up at his glowing hazel eyes - hoping for some reassurance. He proceeded to knead his eyebrows together in confusion.

"I don't know what is going on in that beautiful head of yours, but I do know if he fell in love with you once - he can do it again." After that, we climbed onto the bed and fell asleep in each other's arms. Having him around made me realize how much I needed a best friend - a partner in crime if you will.

~

A little over a month had passed, and the floral spring air was just around the corner. I turned 20 a few days ago, and for my birthday Olivier and Jo had made a party at LOUIE LOUIE'S. I read The Catcher in the Rye to Olivier in English - then he translated it in French. That's basically what our friendship concludes of.

Speaking of, today was another day at work - and I had finally grown accustomed to working there every day. Jo and I would also always go out clubbing at the end of our shifts, hoping to have a good time and meet new people, but there was no use because all I ever thought about was him.

Nevertheless, with that said, I'm tired of listening for a whisper through the dark... a shot in the dark that was always destined to miss.

I flipped through my records and decided to play "Stormy Weather" by Etta James. It felt fitting.

Don't know why
There's no sun up in the sky
Stormy weather
Since my man and I ain't together
Keeps raining all of the time

However, before I could let my mind fall too deep into the depths of despair, my phone started ringing, and I picked it up almost instantly... hoping for him.

"Reena!" It was Asher, I haven't spoken to him in a while... and he sounded despondent. I hope he's doing okay.

"Hey, Asher! I haven't talked to you in a while-"

"-It's Carm..."

"What about her?"

"I think she OD'd..." I heard his breath hitch.

"What?"

"I can't get into her apartment, she locked all the doors. She won't answer her phone or anything." I felt my stomach drop and a lump create itself in my throat.

"I'll take a flight back tonight, Asher... just try your best to get through to her. You know you're the only one who can."

After that, he hung up, and I felt myself suddenly packing everything up in my room. I had to get home. I left with Etta James still on. I wrote Olivier a note on the fridge that I wouldn't be back home for a bit.

~

Once I landed, I took a taxi down to my apartment in Gainesville. The doors were left open by the harsh winds of this troublesome night.

I ran upstairs and opened the door to the living room - inevitability coming face to face with the aftermath of some sort of Carmen-made disaster.

In the corner was Asher - who was cradling a hysterical Carmen - rocking her back and forth. Her head was in her hands, unable to truly hold the weight of the world. Asher lifted his head up to meet his crestfallen eyes with mine.

"I didn't think I could find her any more beautiful than now... with her fast asleep in my arms. She's my home, Reena," I heard Asher choke up. I've never seen this type of vulnerability from him, it made me sad. "You've got to know what that feels like, right?" I looked down at the floor. I do... I do now. I felt murmurs come from Carmen.

"It's the... the River Phoenix kid," She mumbled. Then pointed at me. "She's in love with him... But, Reena is incapable of showing emotion," she spoke - the sound muffled in Asher's arms. Asher laughed.

"Let's pretend that's the drugs talking," Asher joked, obviously noticing something break inside me. Carmen then went limp and fell asleep. "Guess that's my queue to put her to bed." He then proceeded to take her to her room and lay her on the bed. After that, he came out to join me on the living room couch.

"You seem to be used to this," I spoke tenderly - but with an appreciative tone.

"And I never get sick of it," he chuckled, then ran his twitching fingers through his hair.

"Asher," I asked, holding his hands. He raised his eyebrows.

"Yeah?"

"What happened between you and Carm? It's obvious you guys are in love - the way you look at each other; the way you care for her... why won't you just be together?" I asked and he just smiled to himself.

"It's hard to explain... Any time we come close to making it official she runs off," sounds like her, "It makes me feel like she's afraid to settle... yet comes back to me every time knowing she can't be with anyone else." I nodded at that, but it was still confusing. Carmen was hard to read.

"So, what even happened today?"

"She called me: said she was feeling down and wanted company. Little did I know, she was overdosing. Once I noticed the signs, I called the paramedics..." He explained, "They pumped all the shit out her lungs and here we are." After he finished, he pulled out a velvet box from his coat pocket. My jaw dropped.

"You... you were going to propose?" His forest-green eyes glimmered under the half-lit night. He gave me a subtle nod.

"I can't handle losing her again, Reena," He said. "She's it for me." I flashed him a faint smirk.

"I know she'll say yes..."