Everything You Know Is Wrong

Chapter 2 - The First (unofficial) Trial of Humanity

The next time the aliens revived Felix he had been transported to the alien outpost world of Tau Ceti II. On this world, deep in the lower intestines of the Lawtropolis of Grey, inside the demi-sophont holding pen of the Prudent Temple of Exigency, Felix suddenly materialized. He was now on minute 15 from his perspective.

The holding pen was a blue colored area of the floor, from which neither Felix nor any of the other life forms could bring themselves to leave thanks to the nearby psychic autobrain’s coercion software. Their minds simply could not form the thoughts to order their bodies to move beyond the boundary. Around them naked grey humanoids went about their business in the sterile grey building. All but the children ignored the demi-sophonts.

Felix’s penmates were not the most impressive collection of lifeforms in the universe. Felix didn’t know what demi-sophont meant, but after meeting some of the beings to which it applied he knew it couldn’t be a compliment. The gaggle of strange aliens were so different and yet so uniform in their glassy eyed stares, unselfconscious secretions, and animal-like gibberings. They seemed to range in intelligence from that of a smart dog to that of a dumb child.

An oddly proportioned big pink plant-like thing, with leafy orange hair and a near-constant look of terror on its face, stood uncomfortably close to Felix. The alien was sliding back and forth between complete hysteria and wide-eyed terror. After having been screamed at directly in his ear for the better part of an hour Felix found that he greatly preferred wide-eyed terror.

Felix heard a sound like a tone, and was grabbed by the telelocation caster. The machine fired him through several walls, in particulate form, before reassembling him in atop a small dais in the Antechamber of Jurisrectitude. The gallery was filled with the grey humanoids, and above the proceedings loomed a ten-foot-tall transparent floating alien head. Felix’s attention was taken enough by the head that he failed to notice all the other subtle details of his surroundings.

“The Great Face of Pronouncement acknowledges the insignificant presence of the so-called future Teegeeackian. State for the posterity of all time your name, tiny thing, that you may be judged,” bellowed the face.

“Um, Felix?” said Felix.

“Um, Felix?” was engraved onto gold discs and locked in a titanium microvault sealed with argon.

“So be it!” intoned the Great Face of Pronouncement “Um, Felix? you have been called to bear witness in a matter of temporal justice. In deference to your position as a demi-sophont you will not be compelled to testify. Instead we will violently tear the knowledge from your mind with our many sharp instruments.”

“I think I’d prefer to testify then,” said Felix.

A hush fell over the crowd, broken by an excited murmur.

“Silence!” screamed the face “Very well, Um, Felix? flap your pathetic meat tubes and we shall judge you by the sounds they produce.”

“What did you want me to talk about?” asked Felix, guessing that’s what the head wanted.

“This is why we prefer to use sharp instruments,” said the head “Speak to us of your origins, and the future of the world known to all as Teegeeack.”

“Okay, well, um, I get the impression that Teegeeack is your word for Earth. And I’m from Earth. And that seems to have time travel implications? I don’t know I’m quite new to all this.”

A fractal shape lit up on the giant floating head, and made a familiar chirping noise.

“Adjudicatrix!” screamed the head “Begin your adjudiquisition!”

One of the naked grey humanoids, on another dais, was apparently the Adjudicatrix. She put her hands behind her back and paced across her dais.

“I would like to posit a reality for you all,” she said “One in which there is no problem with Teegeeack. We can go ahead with the project that has taken our people generations and reap the rewards it will bring us all. There is no time traveller, there is no paradox, everything is fine. Isn’t that a wonderful reality? Isn’t that a place you would all like to live?”

There was a murmur of agreement from the gallery.

“Well my friends and kinsmen, there is only one obstacle between our people and that happy reality. It is that demi-sophont and his lies!”

The Adjudicatrix pointed at Felix. The gallery gasped in near unison.

“He offers you indignity and hardship. I offer you bliss. There is nothing further to say. I rest by adjudiquisition.”

The gallery murmured in agreement once again. Felix had no idea what was going on, and what happened next didn’t help.

“Switch sides!” bellowed the Great Face of Pronouncement.

The Adjudicatrix then argued quite passionately the reverse of her original position, and the trial seemed to proceed all over again backwards.

“I feel the percolations!” yelled the head, insistently “Bring in the skalds of prophecy! Begin the canticle!”

Three aliens were brought in who began to sing a melody so complex it sounded to Felix like noise. He couldn’t make out any of the words. The lawyers or whatever they were continued to argue the opposite of their cases as though they didn’t hear anything. Even if Felix knew what to listen to he wouldn’t have been able to differentiate the sounds. He wished he had somewhere to go so he could just leave.

“Now!” screamed the head, even louder than before, straining its voice “The Disc of Resolution! Now! Now!” it insisted.

One of the aliens held up a flat circular piece of metal to show the gallery.

“Behold!” he screamed “The Disc of Resolution! On one side is vile guilt, unmitigated and irrefutable, on the other side pure righteous innocence.”

“Now!” insisted the head “Do it now!”

The alien flicked the disc with his thumb and it flew into the air, spinning. The crowd held their breath. The skalds canticle reached its crescendo.

The alien caught the disc in the air and slapped it down onto the top of his other hand. He dramatically removed his hand to reveal the result.

“Guilty!” yelled the alien.

The crowd erupted into riotous cheers and applause.

“Saucer Crew Flosnart,” said the head, addressing the unfortunate aliens left holding Felix when the game of apocalyptic hot potato had finally ended “I sentence you to death, by absolute disintegration. Your bodies will be reduced to atomic dust, and this dust will be spread evenly across the cosmos. Your genetic codes will be decompiled, your lives struck from the official records and erased from the minds of all who knew you. You shall be permitted no grave, legacy or memory. Teegeeack will be made suitable for habitation by uncivilized life forms like the demi-sophont Um, Felix? to prevent temporal paradox, in keeping with the truths revealed to us today by the Disc.”

The condemned aliens pleaded and begged as they were led away. There was much commotion and the trial seemed to be wrapping up.

“So… what about me?” asked Felix.

“What about you?” asked the head “Oh, I suppose you can share the fate of the defendants. Absolute disintegrations for all!”

Felix stammered and nearly pissed himself with fear. One of the naked humanoids put his hand on Felix’s shoulder in a comforting gesture.

“Don’t worry, it’s not as bad as it sounds,” said the alien “Most of that is just fiery rhetoric: they’ll just blow your atomic dust into the atmosphere with a big fan.”