Everything You Know Is Wrong

Chapter 7 - Operation: Rip Van Winkle

The dust parted as if making way for Westinghouse, who now looked exactly like Thomas Edison down to the clothes. He was carrying Edison's hammer and was surrounded by a corona of electricity.

Felix's eyes widened when he saw him. He turned to run but he was barely able to keep his footing. He could only manage a leisurely paced stumble.

"Do not be afraid Felix," said the being that was once Westinghouse "It is I, your idol and mentor George Westinghouse. Although now it would be more appropriate to address me by my title: Thomas Edison."

Felix thought it was a trick for almost a second, before he realized that Thomas Edison wouldn't come up with a trick that stupid.

"What in the world are you talking about?" he asked, turning around.

"I have captured the Hammer of Edison, and have been judged worthy to wield it," the Westinghouse-thing explained "And therefore I am the new Thomas Edison."

"That can't be a thing," said Felix.

"I assure you Felix," said the new Thomas Edison "It is a thing."

"So who was that other guy?" asked Felix.

"The previous Thomas Edison," said Thomas Edison.

"No," said Felix "I mean before that."

"I'm not his biographer," replied Edison.

"You do sound like Westinghouse..." Felix mused.

"I must thank you, Felix," said Edison "You played a small but meaningful role in my ultimate victory. Now that I have destroyed my arch-nemesis and won the electricity wars in the name of alternating current, I can finally get back to my important work."

"What's that?" asked Felix.

"Well," said Edison "I'm going to start by vivisecting you so that I can learn all you know about the Great Underground Pyramid."

"Oh fuck off Westinghouse," said Felix "How many times have I saved your life just today?"

"Don't be so self-centered," said Edison "This is for the good of humanity. What's one unnecessarily drawn out torturous death weighed against the perfect utopia I'll usher in once I conquer the world?"

Felix was still easily within range of the pyramid ship's psionic receptors. He mentally brought the telelocation caster online.

"Next time," said Felix "I'm just going to leave you to die."

And with that he was gone, like a cheap camera trick. Edison realized immediately what Felix was up to, and rushed to the pyramid ship. He was too late; it lifted into the air, spun around so that it was right-side-up, and took off into space.

The new Thomas Edison screamed at the sky for a full 5 minutes before his voice got tired and he gave up.

Edison turned around, and noticed for the first time the crowd of people who had gathered from nearby Luxor to watch the battle and aftermath. They encircled the ruins of the two electric armies, but kept their distance.

"W-what just happened?" a man near the front of the crowd ventured (in Egyptian Arabic, naturally).

"Nothing to see here," said Thomas Edison, in the same language "This was just an usual case of swamp gas."

The explanation satisfied everyone.

* * *

Once he was in deep space and had some time to think it over, Felix came up with a plan for returning to his own time that he actually liked. He would put himself into suspended animation for 100 years. Time would still pass at the same rate, but he wouldn't have to experience it. He could set the ship to automatically wake him up once the appropriate amount of time had passed.

100 years seemed like a good number to start with. Felix figured it was maybe 1900, so that would get him in the right millennium at least. He would fine tune it from there.

Felix saw only one hitch in the plan: a single stray thought might leave him trapped in suspended animation for, say, 100 billion years instead of 100 years. He just had to make sure he had a perfectly clear mind and think one definitive thought. "100 years" he would think. It would be easy. "100 years". Not "100 billion".

Of course by trying so hard not to think of 100 billion years, that's exactly what he ended up doing.