Everything You Know Is Wrong

Chapter 4 - The Face Of Mars (I)

As soon as the pyramid broke Earth's orbit Felix depressurized the section of the ship that he was almost pretty sure the one and one half men were in. Then he put the matter completely out of his mind because it's best not to dwell on such things.

The autopilot, which was actually called a mechastrolabe, was unable to get a response from any of the navigation equipment on Mars, probably because there was none. Instead it decided to crash into Mars like a meteor.

A series of air cushions and light bubbles saw to it that the crash was merely unpleasant, instead of fatal, for Felix and Westinghouse. It was rather a lot like riding a roller coaster that was only holding on to being safety certified by its fingertips.

Finally the blinding lights and the bashing and crashing subsided. Felix and Westinghouse were sprawled out, bruised and in pain but very much alive.

Felix stood up first, and quickly noticed that the ceiling was now the floor. The upside down pyramid must have landed right side up.

"What happened?" demanded Westinghouse, stumbling to his feet.

"Well, the good news is we escaped the half men," said Felix.

"One-and-one-half men," corrected Westinghouse.

"...and the bad news," Felix powered on "Is the ship crashed so we're probably stuck on Mars for a while."

"You crashed my ship?" Westinghouse huffed, marching into Felix's personal space.

"The ship crashed itself," said Felix "I just told it where to go. There's supposed to be automated navigational thingamajigs. Nobody actually pilots space ships, per se."

"How convenient for you," said Westinghouse "I'm still holding you responsible. I wasn't being threatened with vivisection, I didn't need to escape anything. As far as I'm concerned you owe me one ancient space ship."

"What if I just fix the one you have?" said Felix.

"No," said Westinghouse "This one is ruined now, it will never be the same. You owe me a new ancient space ship."

"Where am I going to get a new ancient space ship?" asked Felix.

"That's your problem, not mine," replied Westinghouse.

Felix attempted to think the telelocation caster online, but it wasn't responding. They really were stuck here.

"I suppose we should go outside and scout the area," said Felix.

"How barbaric," replied Westinghouse "Plus, won't we asphyxiate on the barren alien world?"

"You can pretty much breathe on any planet," said Felix "All that stuff about alien atmospheres is just a myth created by propaganda from Big Oxygen."

"How could you possibly know all this?" asked Westinghouse.

"False memories, I think," said Felix "I'm at least 80% this is accurate information though."

"Those sound like reasonable odds," said Westinghouse.

Felix activated the door, which slid down (or up, depending on one's perspective), and the two were able to scramble over the doorway. They walked across a few ceilings before they came to the exit.

Mars was red, sandy and depressing, although it was possible to breathe. Felix might have had time to take in more of the ambiance, except there was a gang of 8-foot-tall green-skinned four-armed angry-faced aliens pointing the business end of sharp things at him. They narrowed their beady frog's eyes and gnashed their yellowed teeth.