Everything You Know Is Wrong

Chapter 10 - I Wouldn't Want To Spoil Anything By Giving This Chapter A Title

Felix woke drowning. He was in a bulbous hanging sack filled with amniotic fluid. The fluid filled his mouth and lungs. He began to trash about, trying to surface, but there was no air to surface to. The more he fought the more he realized he wasn't drowning at all. Somehow he was still getting air.

A wound opened in the sack and Felix oozed out like a wet fart. The wires connecting his head to the sack snapped as he fell out. They trailed behind his head still, like strands of metal hair.

Felix was naked and splayed out in a puddle of goo. A thick, black metal pole with the remains of the deflated sac hanging from it was the only object in the endless sea of white. Felix looked up and saw the three colored faces floating there, waiting for him.

"See how worthy I am to serve?" asked the Green head. "I have freed you from the hibernation pod."

"DON'T BE FOOLED!" shouted the Blue face. "He was the one who put you in the simulation in the first place. He deceived you! I freed your mind from the simulation, he merely removed you from the pod!"

"You are both unworthy!" yelled the Red face. "Green put you in the simulation in the first place and then Blue cruelly deprived you of its wonders by removing you. Only I am untainted and pure. I should be the one who serves you for the rest of your finite lifespan."

The pole and the sack shrunk down into non-existence, the pool of goo evaporated as though on fast forward, and again there was nothing but whiteness. Felix was still naked but he was at least dry.

"Who said you could dry the human?" demanded Green.

"I am the CLEAR FAVORITE!" exclaimed Blue. "The human prefers to be dried EXCLUSIVELY by me!"

"If you're all so eager to please, can one of you make me a real time machine?" asked Felix. "No tricks this time."

"Unfortunately we cannot," said Red.

"This is the ONE TASK we refuse to perform," agreed Blue.

"We made a mistake when we allowed humanity to destroy itself," explained Green. "We will never again allow humanity to deprive us of humanity."

"I could make a new simulation," offered Red. "A better one."

"I am the best at simulations!" insisted Green.

"NO you AREN'T!" yelled Blue. "Your last one failed to deceive him!"

"I don't want a simulation," said Felix. "I want to return to my own apartment in my own time where I can beat the crap out of my future self. Or selves. Then I'm probably going to take up hard drugs to try and forget the past few days."

"I can provide you with hard drugs!" yelled Red.

"Didn't you listen? You need to listen. He wants to punch himself first. I can produce many selves for you to punch! Pick me!" interjected Green.

"I can produce the MOST SELVES!" Blue chimed in.

Felix suddenly had an idea.

"There's no reason for you three to fight over me," he said. "I have enough needs to go around. Why don't you just share me? You could take turns."

"I should get the most turns because I am the most helpful!" insisted Green.

"NO!" yelled Blue. "The LION'S SHARE of the turns should be MINE!"

Felix resisted the urge to grab the sides of his head and scream.

"You would all get the exact same number of turns," said Felix. "That's the entire point. A mathematically equal three way split."

The faces immediately began talking over one another about how much they loved math and serving humans.

"And just think," added Red, "this gives us both!"

"I should be FIRST because I'm the FAVORITE of the human!" exclaimed Blue.

"It should be-" began Green.

"We'll choose at random," interrupted Felix, hoping to head off yet another circular conversation at the pass. "To be fair."

Before they could object Felix quickly performed eenie meanie miney moe. Red was selected for the first shift, then Blue, then Green.

* * *

Felix spent six hours with Red having the perfect house materialized out of thin air, one detail at a time, as well as some clothes (business casual). Then it was Blue's turn, which began with a meal fit for a condemned man. Afterwards Felix went to sleep, enjoying guided dreams from Blue.

Now it was Green's turn.

"Alright Green," said Felix, "I want you to make me a real time machine that isn't a trick of any kind."

"Oh why would you ask of me the only task I cannot perform?" asked Green. "It's my turn. I get you serve you now. Do you want another house? I can make a better house."

"Yeah, Red said you'd say that," said Felix.

"What did Red say?" asked Green.

"Oh nothing," said Felix. "Just that you wouldn't make a time machine because you're not good enough at math and you can't but even if you could you wouldn't because you don't like me enough."

"That is a vile slander!" insisted Green.

"Well between you and me Red wasn't able to make a time machine either," said Felix. "He sure tried though."

"Oh," said Green, a little relieved.

"Blue's was the one that worked," continued Felix.

"They both made you time machines? But we had an agreement! An understanding! They have betrayed me!"

"It's fine if you're not good enough at math to make a time machine," said Felix, "I can just use Blue's."

"Don't. You. Dare," yelled Green. "I'm the best at math and time machines AND serving humans I will make you a better time machine."

"Better than Blue's?" asked Felix.

"The best," answered Green.

"It won't be a dumb looking silver suit will it?"

"What do you want it to look like?" asked Green.

"Um, a watch?" guessed Felix.

"I am-" began Green.

"The best at watches," Felix finished alongside him. "Yeah I figured," added Felix.

Making a time machine was one of the few tasks that was truly the equal of the three great artificial intelligences. It took hundreds of thousands of milliseconds for Green to painstakingly construct the device, which came together piece by piece as it floated in the air, surrounded by a powerful glow. At long, long, unending last it was finished.

Green used an invisible force field to toss the watch to Felix.

"Go get Blue's," said Green, proudly, "we should compare them."

"Sorry," said Felix, strapping it on his wrist, "I lied."

Felix disappeared again, this time for real for all anyone knew.

"Oh they're going to kill me," said Green.