Jester (Man x Man) ✔

3) r e u n i o n s

b e n j a m i n ' s  p o v

Benjamin took another gulp from his mug, while almost frantically scurrying around his apartment. He didn't have time for breakfast, but without a cup of coffee, as black as night, he would be walking around like a zombie all day. One last look from the big windows, that had the most beautiful view over the city, and then Benjamin was out of the door.

He had stayed up late, staring at the screen of his laptop and trying yet again to get the words out of his chest. He was in the habit of writing down something every day — either poems or new chapters to his novel — but ever since he met Eli, each word was about him. It was like the hazel eyed guy had filled his every thought. 

It had been a week since Eli was discharged from the hospital and they hadn't seen each other after that. Benjamin wasn't sure how long he could keep his distance, if Eli continued to occupy his mind like that. 

Benjamin hadn't even needed to see him, before his heart beat began to accelerate. All it needed was to hear Eli's deep and mellifluous voice over the noisy clamor of the bar. Then Benjamin had turned his head to see the most beautiful man he had ever laid his eyes on, and his heart had skipped not just one but two beats.

The first thing he noticed was the slightly askew smile, that was roguish and winning. It brought forth dimples on both of his cheeks. Then Benjamin imprinted in his mind the high cheekbones and lastly the eyes. They were round, brimmed with dense eyelashes, the irises green on the edges and brown in the middle. Despite the smile, the eyes were sad and longing. 

When they were sitting at the table, talking with Eli's friends over the pounding music, Benjamin had been jittery with nerves. It had little to do with the fact he had never done it before — walking in a bar to find company — and a lot to do with the gaze of those hazel eyes on him. Even more so with the touches that made every nerve in his body tingle and the skin of his arms go goose bumps.

Then there were the kisses that almost swept Benjamin off his feet. The touches that made his entire body shake, the warmth of Eli's skin, the way their bodies seemed to fit together perfectly. How gently, yet so torridly, Eli had fucked him. Or the nearly vulnerable look in Eli's eyes, that turned to discomfort at first, then to surprise and lastly to pleasure, when it was Benjamin's turn to take him.

When Benjamin was getting ready to leave, he had been surprised by the pleading, almost apprehensive expression that flickered on Eli's face. By the frantic kiss Eli had given him at the door, the kiss that felt like he was afraid of letting him go. Like he thought it was his last kiss. Benjamin had figured it was because he too thought it was too early to say goodbyes, but now he knew it was because Eli truly thought it was going to be his last.

All those things would probably have been enough to keep Benjamin fascinated by Eli, but what happened afterwards was what made him pretty much obsessive about the guy he barely knew. Like he had told Eli, he couldn't stop thinking about that moment he was giving Eli mouth-to-mouth and felt him sucking in air, their lips still firmly pressed together. He could literally feel the life coming back to Eli. 

That rush, the relief so massive it felt like Benjamin's heart would burst out of his chest, washed over him like a tidal wave. He had pulled Eli in his embrace and held him like his life depended on it while he called an ambulance. Then, just to make it all extra painful, Eli had started to crash again when the pills kicked in. Benjamin didn't tell that part to Eli during the hours they spent together in the hospital, and he wasn't planning to do so in the future either.

There was no doubt in his mind that Eli had wanted to die. He had been dead serious about it, and it hadn't been a cry for help or a whim. Eli had desperately wanted to end his life and Benjamin needed to understand why. He had said he felt empty and that he wanted to make it stop, but could emptiness really hurt that much?