Jester (Man x Man) ✔

18) s a n c t u a r i e s

Matthew Hartless and his pale blue eyes. The moment he walked in the hall, Eli knew he was doomed. It all happened in a matter of seconds: how their eyes met and how neither of them could look away. Matthew had sat next to Eli, so close their hands had nearly touched on the bench, and Eli could no longer hear a word the preacher was saying.

He was 17 years old and he already knew he was living in a lie.

Eli had grown up with rules and knowing that most of the prohibited things were commonplace to his friends at school. They were allowed to watch TV, listen pop music and have premariatial sex and use birth control. They could swear, wear earrings and dye their hair. Most of all, in their world homosexuality wasn't a sin. 

Matthew had said nothing to Eli at the service, and they didn't see each other for almost three months, but their encounter had left a mark on Eli.

Then, at the Summer Services, Matthew sat next to Eli again and it was just like it had been the first time: their gazes locked, Matthew's hand was so close to Eli's he could feel the warmth of it and he couldn't hear a word the preacher was saying. They still didn't talk to each other in the service, but afterwards Matthew came to look for Eli. 

"I know I should, but I can't stop thinking about you." Those were the first words Matthew ever said to Eli. He too was a priest's son, from a family that was highly respected amongst the Conservative Laestadians* in their country.

Eli had wordlessly stared at the blonde guy, who was two years older and almost four inches taller than him, when he locked the door and slowly walked towards him. He had seemed all confident and unhesitant, but his lips had trembled when he had leaned closer to kiss Eli. It had been just a peck, lasting a few seconds. When Matthew had taken a step back, Eli had still only stared at him, unable to move or say anything. 

"I'll come here tomorrow after the service and I'll wait for you. If you're not here then, I'll never bother you again, and if you are.." Matthew had whispered, all the while keeping his eyes locked with Eli's, and turned on his heels. Just before he had unlocked the door, he had added: "But nobody can know about this."

That night Eli had barely slept. His thoughts had been racing and his mind occupied with a deep conflict. All his life he had been told homosexuality was a sin, something that led you away from God, but what had happened with Matthew had felt so right. He had known for years that the feelings he had, the preferences of his, were something he wasn't supposed to have. He had spent the night ruminating on all the things he had been told, all the things he had been made to believe, and decided not to go see Matthew again.

However, the following day after the service Eli's feet had guided him in the room. It became their little sanctuary and they spent hours to no end in there. Matthew had smuggled a blue quilt in the room, so that they could lay on top of it on the floor. All they did was cuddling, kissing and talking. They could spend hours dreaming about their life together outside the community. 

At some point, over a year after they had started seeing each other in secret, they started planning how they would run away together. They were going to leave town and Matthew was going to work while Eli would finish his studies. They knew they would live in poverty at first and that they would have to leave everyone they cared about behind, but at least they wouldn't have to hide their love anymore. But Eli hadn't known that someday rarely actually meant some day. 

Then, a few days before Eli turned 19, they got caught. Not from trying to run away, but from cuddling on the floor. That day the sanctuary was stolen from them and they weren't allowed to see each other again. Matthew and Eli, who had brought great shame to their families, were forced to choose: to repent and marry a woman or to leave the community and never come back.