Jester (Man x Man) ✔

22) d e s p a i r s

Oliver had been the first person he had ever truly loved. Sure, there had been crushes before him and Benjamin had dated a handful of people, but it had never been anything serious. With Oliver he had clicked instantly and he had felt like the one.

But then he had cheated and fallen in love with someone else, leaving Benjamin with a bunch of insecurities that still followed him wherever he went. The fear of not being good enough, of not being enough, still gnawed at his self-esteem. He was still not over it. He was over Oliver, but he sure as hell wasn't over the cheating. 

"I think I cheated on you." 

Benjamin had wanted to gather Eli's belongings and toss him out of the door. He had wanted to scream his lungs out, but the hurt had been too tremendous to get out and it had just landed on his chest. Eli had known about Oliver and he had even promised to never hurt Benjamin like Oliver did, but he went and did it anyway. 

Benjamin had left for work and gotten through the day with no specific memory of doing so, and then he had gone to a bar and gulped down two glasses of whiskey. When he had come home, he had made his decision, which seemed to surprise both himself and Eli.

Why? It was a question Benjamin couldn't yet answer. He knew letting Eli stay was most likely a mistake and that with his history forgiving what Eli did might as well be impossible. Yet, something about the way Eli uttered the words — "I think I cheated on you." — had made Benjamin falter. And again: why? He couldn't tell.

••••

Resentment. Bitterness. Hatred.

It had been almost a week and as the first shock had passed, Benjamin's mind was bustling with emotions. Every time he glanced at Eli, he felt resentment, and the fact he was feeling that way made him feel even worse. 

Eli had been walking on eggshells, quickly turning away his gaze if Benjamin looked back at him and spoke only to answer the questions Benjamin made. He chain-smoked and had a meek expression glued to his face. Benjamin could tell Eli was giving him space and time to process, but somehow that only made Benjamin's annoyance grow.

"What was his name?" Benjamin asked when they were having late dinner.

"Billy." Eli had barely touched his meal and he hadn't bothered to shave, which gave Benjamin some twisted satisfaction: at least he wasn't the only one who was hurting. And again, Benjamin felt terrible for feeling that way.

"What did he look like?" He asked. 

"Do you really want to know?" Eli answered Benjamin's gaze briefly.

"Just tell me." Benjamin was gripping his fork so tightly his knuckles turned white, but he kept his tone peaceable.

"He had dark gray eyes, blonde hair and a tailored suit." Eli explained slowly, like he was calculating each word with care.

"What else?" Benjamin kept asking. 

"I don't know. What do you want me to say?" Eli glared at Benjamin, taking a deep breath and clearly doing his best to stay calm.

"Was he handsome? Did he have shitload of money?" Benjamin didn't even notice doing it before the fork was already flying in the air. It didn't hit Eli, but it did make an impression. 

"Yes, yes, yes. He was fucking handsome, he was bathing in money and he was hot as hell. Do you feel better now?" Eli stood up while shouting the words and stepped away from the table. 

"No, I feel like shit. Do you think I want to look at you and feel like I want to punch you in the face? To throw things at you?" Benjamin stood up as well. He already felt bad about throwing the fork.

"You know, maybe you should." Eli breathed, giving Benjamin a sad smile. Something about that made the anger cool down in Benjamin's chest.

"I won't. Sorry. I just don't know what the hell we should do to make this right." He sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"Is there anything we can do?" Eli asked, despondent like he already knew the answer. Benjamin hoped more than anything he wasn't right.

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You'll get two chapters today, because this one is so short. :)